Fun online :)

I'm a sucker for these online tell-alls. This one has you enter your full name and then it spits out information about you. Some of this is more true than I care to admit, especially my inner dream. How strange.

You entered: Hannah Marie Yetter

There are 17 letters in your name.
Those 17 letters total to 86
There are 7 vowels and 10 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:

Hebrew	Male	Favor; grace. Biblical mother of the prophet Samuel.
Hebrew	Female	Favour or grace. God has favoured me. Mother of the prophet Samuel in the Old Testament.
English	Female	Favor; grace. Biblical mother of the prophet Samuel.
Biblical	Female	Gracious; merciful; one who gives.

Your number is: 5

The characteristics of #5 are: Expansiveness, visionary, adventure, the constructive use of freedom.

The expression or destiny for #5:
The number 5 Expression endows with the wonderful characteristic of multi-talents and versatility. You can do so many things well. The tone of the number 5 is constructive freedom, and in your drive to attain this freedom, you will likely be the master of adaptability and change. You are good at presenting ideas and knowing how to approach people to get what you want. Naturally, this gives you an edge in any sort of selling game and spells easy success when it comes to working with people in most jobs. Your popularity may lead you toward some form of entertainment or amusement. Whatever you do, you are clever, analytical, and a very quick thinker.

If there is too much of the 5 energy in your makeup, you may express some the negative attitudes of the number. Your restless and impatient attitude may keep you from staying with any project for too long. Sometimes you can be rather erratic and scatter yourself and your energies. You have a hard time keeping regular office hours and maintaining any sort of a routine. You tend to react strongly if you sense that your freedom of speech or action is being impaired or restricted in any way. As clever as you are, you may have a tendency to make the same mistakes over and over again because much of your response is glib reaction rather that thoughtful application. You are in a continuous state of flux brought by constantly changing interests.

Your Soul Urge number is: 9

A Soul Urge number of 9 means:
With a 9 Soul Urge, you want to give to others, usually in a humanitarian or philanthropic manner. You are highly motivated to give friendship, affection and love. And you are generous in giving of your knowledge and experience. You have very sharing urges, and you are likely to have a great deal to share. Your concern for others makes you a very sympathetic and generous person with a sensitive and compassionate nature.

You are able to view life in very broad and intuitive terms. You often express high ideals and an inspirational approach to life. If you are able to fully realize the potential of your motivation, you will be a very self-sacrificing person who is able to give freely without being concerned about any return or reward.

As with all human beings, you are prone to sometimes express the negative attitudes inherent to your Soul Urges. You may become too sensitive and tend to express emotions strongly at times. There can be significant conflict between higher aims and personal ambitions. You may resent the idea of giving all of the time and, in fact, if there is too much 9 energy in your nature you may reject the idea. You may often be disappointed in the lack of perfection in yourself and others.

Your Inner Dream number is: 5

An Inner Dream number of 5 means:
You dream of being totally free and unrestrained by responsibility. You see yourself conversing and mingling with the natives in many nations, living for adventure and life experiences. You imagine what you might accomplished.

You can play here.

Managing others

I don't really have a lot of time to post, things are really crazy at work... we've bought several large packages, and have two companies who are new to this whole process who need to have their hands held as we get them acclimated and we have a staff shortage as well... needless to say, I'm going pretty crazy trying to keep all of the balls in the air that I'm supposed to be monitoring. Of course, part of the craziness is that my 3 month old daughter is really enjoying interacting and playing so much more and I really don't want to be a bad mommy and put work before my daughter... ug. I HATE that I have to struggle to keep my priorities straight. BUT, this post isn't about how wrong it is that American corporate culture treat moms so badly, this is about an insight that I have re: managing others.

As a manager, it doesn't need to be, and shouldn't be about whether you are right or not. If you need something to get done, and your employee states that she thinks its already been done, you go over it with her, and then apologize for having her duplicate her efforts. What you DON'T do is tell her that you'd changed the file the night before (when you hadn't) and that SHE was the one who had done the project wrong based on the out-of-date spreadsheet. And if you DO mention that she was wrong, when she protests that she JUST pulled the file and looked at it and all the data matched her project, you don't argue with her about how wrong she is and how right you are. You apologize for the error and you ask her nicely to please update. Instead of wasting precious time AND leaving your employee with a bad taste in her mouth, you've got what you needed and she's thinking you're great for admitting your fault.

Unfortunately, this basic management principle isn't apparent to all managers. Sad.

Mother - reveal who you are

I am attempting to reconnect with my spiritual side. Over the last few weeks, I've realized that I feel like my spiritual persona is amputated and broken. Seems like even though I am reading the bible and studying about God, I'm still not connecting to her spiritually. When I think about my spiritual persona, I imagine it looks like the angel's wings in Dogma after they have been severed - you can see where the beautiful wings are supposed to be, but all that's left are bloody stumps. I mentioned this to my discipleship group and we are going to pray through the Lord's prayer together this week.

Today, I am focusing on the beginning of the prayer:

"Our mother in heaven, reveal who you are."

I have reached the point where I feel I need to see her/feel her/hear her or my soul will just disappear forever. Reveal who you are!!

Marital bliss

"I swear, if you don't stop leaving your chapstick in your clothes..."

"Well, if you would just wash the clothes that I put in the hamper instead of assuming that all the clothes I have out are dirty, then you wouldn't have this problem..."

We've had this conversation (yes, the same exact conversation) about 100 times in our relationship. I expect to have it again.

Yeah new yarn!

I have now bought my first yarn for my first "real" projects :) Woo hoo!

I visited Yarns Ewenique after work yesterday intending to go in a purchase the yarns that I need to do a little sweater and hat for Annan. I spent an hour in there just feeling yarns and getting an idea of how the whole things works. On Thursday afternoons/evenings they have a sit-n-knit thing where all these knitters come in and work on their projects and talk etc. There were about 10 women there last night!! And they all looked like they knew what they were doing... so, I can take my work up there and get help on places where I get stuck! And make friends with other women who are all these different ages!! I am so excited! :) And the owners of the store were fabulous... Annemieke (prounounced Anna-meeka) spent alot of time helping me locate good alternative yarns and answered my questions.

Knitting freakin' rocks!!

I got a beautiful 100% merino yarn that is about the color of the green apple in my lunch for a sweet little boat neck sweater, and then I got some eggplant color bamboo wool (50% bamboo, 50% wool) for a hat :). The yarn wasn't exactly cheap, but if all goes well, I spent $23 on the yarn for her sweater and $18 for her hat... not sure how much of the yarn will be left over, but that seems about right for the cost of winter items anyway, but I get to make these!

So, I cast on last night for Annan's first sweater :D It is really a pleasure to work with fine, delicate yummy feeling yarn (especially after the cheap feeling stuff Sheri gave me). There is QUITE a difference, really. They aren't full of crap at all.

I need to get another skein or two of this yarn to finish my scarf project (and do up a matching hat), but I want to finish Annan's stuff first.

On inertia

Have you ever come across someone, either in person, or online who you get the distinct feeling could you be you in the future? It happened to me today, when I checked out a lead on a knitting blog from my Creative Mom podcast. Ann (the host) recommended january one as an excellent blog from a very productive knitter with fantabulous photographs. I, of course, had to check it out immediately.

Not only does this woman share my birthday, but she shares my passion for photography, knitting, philosophy, politics, her husband, her friends, her life. It is just so strange to read a list of things she has put together to describe herself to find myself nodding my head, thinking that, yes, this is me, this could be me, this might be me, in another life, in 10 years, in an alternate universe.

Having found her, I'm wondering what I need to do about it now. I have been feeling inertial lately. Like nothing that I'm doing or intending on doing is going anywhere, but rather, I'm continuing to move forward (or backward, up or down) at the same inertial rate as nothing that I can do can exert any outside force on me. Inertia feels like going nowhere, but I know that, if nothing else, time is moving forward, inevitably advancing, each day closing, glaring at me, daring me to show what I've done today to change.

Not a whole, damn, lot. Nada, zero, zip, zilch. I'm stuck, I'm not doing anything, I'm trapped by bills, my job, my pregnancy, all of it. Stuck in inertia... always reacting, not acting. Stuck. I feel like a fly who's been caught on flypaper and who has given up trying to get free. My energy, my will, my desire is fading quickly. Running across this blog for a woman who is very similar to me, but who seems to be living out her dreams is like a jolt of adrenaline, shocking me into action. If she can do it, so can I. I just need to get off my ass and get back in the game. Stop moping around and do something about it. Start setting tiny goals to measure my progress. Take time to appreciate my progress and to reassess the future. To stop and notice the beauty around me, to treasure my friends, to enjoy the now, the mundane, the ordinary.

If she can do it, so can I.

WTFMFWTFAYT?

So, I know, its been a while since I've posted (again!). BUT, I was listening to a podcast called Quirky Nomads and I heard a song that expresses my thoughts, frustrations, just *grrr* completely.

You can take a listen to it by clicking here (and then clicking on the listen button next to the song).

Yes. It IS therapeutic.

My sister

My sister has recently reemerged into my life. I am so very happy. We were so close as children, then we became teenagers and sort of just lost it. Of course, part of that was me going to a foreign country for a year, then graduating and going off to college, but still, it was really tough to realize that being close as we had been wasn't something that was guaranteed to continue for the rest of our lives. I can remember the day that I realized this so clearly. I'd just come home from my first semester at college for Christmas break; I'd been there for about 4 days or so when Rachel came stomping into my room. She demanded that I go back to college because she was tired of me interrupting her social life. That was harsh. But I withdrew. It wasn't worth the hurt to try.

Fast forward 7 years, and she calls me. She says that she wants to get our relationship back to where it used to be, so we can share our experiences, be close sisters again. Welcome back. And even if we go through periods of closeness and distance, I will always keep the light on for you and a cup of tea warming on the stove. I love you.

Desert Rose

So, I have these two desert roses - lovely suculents, perfect for hot and dry TX, and they were pretty cheap. They have been teasing me now, for about 2 months. When I bought them, I really wasn't sure what to expect. They have a lovely rosette foliage pattern and I thought maybe that was why they were called roses. You can't expect all desert plants to flower, can you? Well, they started growing these arms, which then started sprouting these beautful buds (about two months ago, remember) THAT STILL HAVEN'T OPENED YET!!!!

They've matured, and turned this beautiful, delicate pink, and have even started to open slightly, so that I can get a hint of pistil and stamen, but still no sight of a completely opened, beautiful flower. And it is just driving me nutso. It is insane to have to wait this long to get to see what's waiting in there. Some days, I really just want to help them along. Others, I begin to wonder if something is wrong with my plant and I won't ever get to see the flowers. Or, maybe I'm looking for the blooms at the wrong time of day, maybe they are only open for an hour a day... Or...

This waiting on the flower to open has really become an incredible metaphor of my life right now. I am having to wait on a certain amount of time to pass to be able to find out what's cooking in me. I am expecting. I am preparing. I am slow-cooking. In this era of instant gratification, its funny how being pregnant really just throws that whole notion out the window. You've got to wait at least 9 months to be able to see and to hold what's been inside you for so long. The beautiful thing is, that at every stage of this pregnancy, there is beauty. There are things to enjoy, to love, to muse on. Just like with my desert roses - they are beautiful at every stage, from the non-flower point, the the almost opened buds, there is something so precious, and delicate, but also strong and stubborn that is wonderful to meditate on every day.

I am realizing that I need to enjoy each and every day for what it gives because I will never get it back just like it is today again. What a gift.

Daily Journal

So, this week for fight club, I have to journal something every day. Gah. The point is to help me write down/commemorate the now because I am focusing entirely too much on "what's next". So, here is my attempt at my daily journal.

I have recently taken up knitting. And I love it. No, not just like, LOVE it. I started getting interested in it about a year ago, and Sheri (a friend at work) gave me this giant bag of yarn and a crochet hook and said she would teach me (and then subsequently fell off the face of the planet). So, needless to say, that yarn has sat around in the closet in the guest bedroom for a long time.

Well, when we started cleaning out that room to make space for Annan, I rediscovered my stash. And my desire to knit. So, I emailed all the women at Mosaic to see if any of them knew how to knit. None of them did. So I went to Michael's and bought a how to knit book and kit. And then failed to understand the pictures. Luckily, one of the Mosaic attenders said she knew how to knit (she's a recent HS grad) and that she would LOVE to teach me. And then I found this amazing website with videos showing every step of the process, and suddenly, I'm knitting!

I absolutely love it. There is a logic to the knitting that is very soothing to me. And it is very easy to do (once you figure out how it thinks, of course). There are so many different yarns out there, lots of free patterns, lots of all kinds of stuff. My goodness. I think I've found a hobby. :)

My first completed project was a sock for my ipod. I got tired of it getting all dinged up in my bag. All I need now to complete it is a button to keep the flap closed :) I also started on some baby booties, and actually finished one (and promptly lost one of my US8 needles - DOH!), so I've got to wait until I get a new set of 8s to finish that one. I'm also working on a delightfully chunky scarf - YUM! I'll need to get more yarn in order to be able to finish this project, but still, it is so exciting to see something useful come out of all this.

So, this is where I am today. Loving knitting. Loving creating.

Thoughts on Anti-americanism

This is a discussion board post, but thought I'd put it here as well because I think it accurately reflects why I can be so critical of our nation, not just the policy makers. Anyway, here is my post.

Quoted from another post:

But I get tired of hearing about America being a big bad imperialistic, selfish capitalistic nation. If anyone doesn't want us to be that - then DON'T be that! The country is what it's people are.

Criticize the policies. Criticize the President. But to use statements like American Imperialism (when we all were taught how EVIL imperialism was and is) is to make a really negative comment about our country in general - not this administration.

If we take a good look at our country's policies, you begin to notice a trend - imperialism. And imperialism has been the foundation for our policies since our country was founded. Just look at how we handled the conquest of the American continent. And our policies in interacting with our neighbors, and oil producing companies, and developing countries. While the imperialism isn't one of annexing those nations to the US, it is more one of making them adhere to policies that benefit the US at their own cost.

Does this make the US evil? That's something you have to decide for yourself. Do I think our policies are consistent with our supposed ethic of democracy, liberty and equality for all? Absolutely not. Now, as you know, consistency is one of the most important things to me. All I personally want is for the American people to recognize that our policies, while contributing nicely to our high standard of living, do not promote the same high standards around the world, and, in fact, tend to squash local movements that are heading in that direction.

Now, if Americans are fine with it, then I need to figure out how I feel about living in a country that does things that I completely disagree with. However, and I might be incredibly naive, I believe that Americans, if they were shown the truth of other's situations around the world, then we as a country would have a change of heart.

In his book, On the Justice of Roosting Chickens, Ward Churchill argues that Americans already have the tools they need to know the truth of the situation, we just choose to bury our heads in the sand and pretend to not be aware of it. He argues that all adverse actions that we are experiencing today are deserved and should be met not with violence, but with sincere attempts to make amends.

I'm not sure I agree with him completely, but he does have a point. It seems that Americans would rather not know where their products/energy/etc come from so long as it is cheap and accessible. I do think this is changing. Slowly. But changing, nonetheless. But change never would have happened if people didn't speak up and force others to look at the way things really are. Change doesn't happen if you don't get out of your comfortable place and go see, truly see, what is going on in the slums, the ghettos, the orphanages, the hospitals, the nursing homes, the third world. It won't happen if you don't acknowledge your part in maintaining the status quo that keeps them there. And it won't happen if you go back to your cozy home and forget about what you saw and felt.

One of my favorite (well favorite is not exactly the right word) parts of the spanish mass is when the priest is walking the congregation through Jesus' death. He talks about Jesus' suffering on the cross and the congregation repeats "Por mi culpa, por mi culpa, por mi culpa" while pointing their finger at themselves. Por mi culpa best translates "for my fault", "all my fault", or "the blame is mine". This is the part of the mass where the congregation accepts the blame for Jesus' death.

It connected me in ways that I had never experienced to Jesus death and suffering. I fet compelled to do that when I saw the Passion of the Christ as well. It has become a sort of mantra for me when I am faced with suffering and injustice. I look at it and say "por mi culpa" and really look and see where I am to blame. Now, this can be overwhelming and can weigh you down if you accept the blame for the world's problems. But, if you take an honest, realistic look at how your actions contribute to the problem, you are able to then decide how to change the situation starting with you. And instead of sitting around talking about it, you have started to change your own habits. You are now starting to live your life conscientiously instead of living just because that's what they tell you to do.

And when you start to do that, you want other people to join you in this. So you talk about it. You bring things up. You want to do whatever it takes to open their eyes to the truth, because you realize that you can't change the world yourself you need others to help you. And here I stand bringing up the issue of American imperialism because I can see how my living (and especially buying) habits are contributing to the problem. So, yes, it IS a negative comment about our country. But I am doing everything I can to change it.

My sadness

My sadness looks like me being all alone in a huge building and I can't find my way out. Everyone has left me, no one cares that I'm lost in the ugly building, I can't connect with the fresh air, the sun, the stars, the greenness of it all. It is cold. All I can think about is how damn cold it is and how no one is even looking for me. I've been wandering around trying to find the door that goes outside for hours, days, months and I'm feeling like this is what my life is going to be for the rest of my days. Opening doors, solving puzzles, only to find myself more stuck in the cold, dingy labyrinth. I call people, email them, seek them out for conversations and then find that I can't speak to them about it. It is as if the me that is stuck is shouting out for someone to hear, but the me in RL is incapable of voicing that need. I want them to notice something is wrong, something is different, so I can deny it, so I can throw up more walls to trap myself in. What would they do if they knew? Ignore it? Use it against me? Hate me for my weakness?

How did I get here? I'm here because I let someone lead me in here. I trusted them and they let me down. I called for help and they just said "oh", or didn't even respond at all. I put out my flowers for them to enjoy and be blessed and they ripped everyone from me and didn't even say thank you. I am here because I have failed. It might be a big failure, it might be a small one. I didn’t meet that goal that I set, I'm not doing what I thought I would be doing, I want so much more out of life, but here I am slaving away for what? I'm wasting myself, my education, my passions on stupid stuff and... I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP. Or don't want to go to the effort of trying it. I might fail, I might not be able to be the best, I MIGHT... and I run into another room, without any windows and only more doors to things I don't want to think about. LET ME OUT! I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS, I DIDN'T...

I feel it in my chest. It feels like huge rocks are dragging me down, keeping me from being able to draw a full breath. I feel trapped, held back, jailed. It feels like I am on the train tracks and I can hear the train rushing at me. "That is the sound of inevitability, Mr. Anderson." And there is not a damn thing I can do about it. I feel like I've been here over and over and over again, but this time, I've gotten myself so stuck, so deep into the matrix, I can't find my way out. Why should I even try to get out? I'll only find that more rocks have piled themselves onto my chest, more ropes are keeping me from running, the room is getting smaller.

And yet, somehow, I find myself in the sunshine. How did I get here? What happened to my loneliness, my failures? They have dissolved around me, one fragment at a time. When I find myself in the smallest, most confined space, I begin picking away at the filaments that make up the walls around me. I find a chip in the wall and start prying away. I find a string, in the tangled mass that enslaves me that I can pull completely out of the mess and set it aside. I examine that thing that has wounded me, enslaved me, and I can see that it serves a purpose. It makes up who I am. I am the one who has used it in the wrong way, this can be used for a blanket not a web. And I can see a little bit of light, I can feel a warm breeze on my finger, I can breathe a little bit easier. And now I can pull another string out of the mess, take a bigger chunk out of that wall, examine it for what it is... sharp and ugly, but useful, in some weird way, and I add it to the growing pile of useful bits of my life. I start to realize that I can take all these raw materials here and start building a dream, my life. This is BEAUTIFUL, not cold, ugly, and restraining. I can start to see patterns in the wreck around me, and the chaos that has been drowning me suddenly becomes ordered and useful. My prison has dissolved into nothing around me. I never even had to move to get out.

My pile of useful bits doesn't always make it into my new blanket, my new arbor. If I leave them too long, wasting away in a corner of my life, they start to form walls around me. It happens so subtly, I don't even notice that I can only see three sides around me, then two, then one, then none. And the cycle begins again. Will I have the strength to stop panicking and start to look for the one crack, the loose string? Will I be able to pull it out? Can I bring myself to look at that lonely ugly piece and examine it closely to find that beauty in it? Will I be able to find a way to integrate it into the blanket of my life? Or will I sit, curled up into a ball on the floor of my cold, cell beating against the cement walls of my prison, hoping, praying that someone will come along to give me a pickaxe to help me demolish this beast?

Netflix Usage

I found this interesting article thanks to Clever WoT on Netflix user's viewing habits.

The article claims that high brow movies tend to catch dust, while low brow movies are watched and then quickly returned. Sad, but typical, I'd say. There's a reason why Blockbuster doesn't stock too many copies of documentaries and indie flicks. People just don't care to spend their entertainment time on thought-provoking or depressing movies.

I like to think that our queue reflects a more balanced approach to watching movies. We currently have 140 movies on our active queue, with the following breakdown:
Drama 21.43%
Documentary 15.71%
Comedy 12.86%
Television 12.86%
Foreign 11.43%
Romance 5.71%
Thrillers 5.71%
Action & Adventure 2.86%
Anime & Animation 2.86%
Sci-Fi & Fantasy 2.86%
Children & Family 2.14%
Independent 1.43%
Music & Musicals 1.43%
Horror 0.71%

And we typically watch at least 3 movies a week. I am glad for the extensive Netflix library. We have been able to watch movies that are hard to find in a typical movie rental place. We've been able to watch several great TV shows and have pretty good access to new releases. We've watched 282 movies since we joined in February 2004. At about $1.98 per movie, I'd say we could have done worse things with our money :)

Wasting time at work

According to Salary.com, "Time wasted by employees at work is down from 2005, but it is still costing companies billions in 2006. According to the 2nd annual survey by America Online and Salary.com, the average worker admits to squandering 1.86 hours per 8-hour workday, not including lunch and scheduled break-time, which is down from 2.09 hours in 2005. As a matter of practice, companies assume a certain amount of wasted time when determining employee pay. However, the 2nd installment of the survey indicates that employees are continuing to waste about twice as much time as their employers expect. Salary.com calculates that employers spend $544 billion per year on salaries for which real work is expected, but none is done."

I wonder what those wasteful employee workloads look like. Are they getting their jobs done in less time? From my personal experience, I waste a WHOLE lot less time if I have something to do with my time that is work related. My boss knows I'm caught up; I've asked him for more work, but I haven't recieved those new assignments yet... you do what you gotta do. I'd go home if I were allowed.

Interestingly, of the employees who admitted to wasting time, they said that they spent 52% of their wasted time on the internet.

Deep Friendships

I found this post in an interesting blog on the philosophy of friendship:

"The American Sociological Review has published research which shows that the average American has only two close friends, and that a quarter don’t have anyone at all.

The study compared data from 1985 and 2004 and found that the mean number of people with whom Americans can discuss matters important to them dropped by nearly one-third, from 2.94 people in 1985 to 2.08 in 2004.

Researchers also found that the number of people who said they had no one with whom to discuss such matters more than doubled, to nearly 25 percent. The survey found that both family and non-family confidants dropped, with the loss greatest in non-family connections."

How incredibly sad. And yet, prior to Mosaic, I would have said that I had no one (outside of my husband) with whom I could discuss deep and personal things. Part of this was finding others who were interested in hearing about the things I cared about. After college, I found myself in a desert without people who cared to go very deep on hardly anything. Even Jason forbade me from discussing politics more often than not. And when I attempted to discuss things (politics, the environment, etc.) the conversations were typically short and one-sided.

At Mosaic, there is a community of individuals who seeks to go deeper, who seeks to live a consistent life, who love to seek out the holes in things and work on them. I'm not saying that every person at Mosaic is interested in all of these things, but there are many there who are. I can say that I have at least 6 or 7 people with whom I would say are very close friends. I am fortunate, it seems, to be able to count on so many individuals with whom I can share my hopes, dreams and fears and who can do the same for me. Fortunate indeed.

On the Journey to Motherhood

One of the reasons that pregnancy takes so long, and believe me, when you are the one who is pregnant, these 9 months seem like forever, is so that the host/woman/mother-to-be can transform herself from a woman/girl/young adult into a mother. I am 5 or 6 weeks away from the midway point of my journey and I have become aware that as I am walking, I am changing.

The first, most obvious change was that I suddenly became intensely interested in all things child-birth and early child rearing related. This from a person who would avoid, avoid, avoid all things baby like it was the plague. Not only did I find myself wanting to know about these things, I have strangely not been able to get enough of that information. Still, after 3 months of searching, reading, collecting, musing, I'm still hungry for more.

I am paying attention to my body more than ever before. If I am hungry, I eat as quickly as possible. If I want something specific, then I try to find it and eat it. I drink when I'm thirsty and sleep when I'm tired. I use the bathroom at the first sign of discomfort. I have been paying more attention to how my muscles and bones feel than I ever have before. For the first time in my life, I feel completely in tune with my body and her needs. And it is wonderful. I think I finally understand what my mom meant when she said she enjoyed being pregnant. I feel fabulous. For the first time in my life, I am less focused on what I look like and more into what I feel like. It is an amazing transformation in relatively little time. I cannot wait to see what the next 5 months bring.

Emotionally, I am beginning to withdraw from my own family. Strangely, I am feeling more capable and desirous of handling this child on my own and with my community here. When I first found out that we were going to add a member to our little family, I was incredibly jealous of other women who's family is near enough to help. Of family who cared enough to take time off to come help, to be there for you. I can't say how sad I was that my family was so far away and/or doesn't seem to care to take time out of their busy schedules to come visit. Granted, I'm not dropping work or my schedule to go see them every free moment I get either, but, honestly comparing my family to others left mine lacking alot. Not to say that my family isn't great. After all, I was the one who chose to live all the way out here in TX, but there are times where I feel incredibly abandoned and unloved by my family.

However, my wishing my family lived closer ended with our trip to MO this 4th of July. It wasn't that there was a huge blowout or anything, but I suddenly realized that the reason that I live 1400 miles away from them is because I don't NEED them. Strangely, I think our relationship is better if it is long-distance. I don't have to deal with the step-siblings, or the step-dad, or the shy dogs, or rules that I don't know are there until I've broken them. I get to call and chat, and then hang up and deal with my own things, boundaries that I've made, friendships I've developed. I think, finally, I have grown up. It has taken 8 years of me distancing myself, going to new places, meeting new people, developing my passions and interests to realize that my family is best kept in MD and me in TX. That is why I never even considered living in MD as an adult. It wasn't even an option when we were looking at our options at the end of college. Separation, at least for me, is what I needed to be able to find my self-identity. I need separation from my family in order to preserve my sanity.

Somehow, carrying this child has helped me realize this. I think this child is helping me to concentrate on who I am. On how I will integrate caring for this little one into my life, my passions, my loves. I am beginning to love her/him already and I cannot wait to feel them moving. I can't wait to not be able to hide that I am pregnant, I can't wait to see them moving on the ultrasound. I can't wait to hold this one in my arms and cuddle. To answer questions, to get to watch her/him learning everything for the first time. I cannot wait to be amazed.

Chalkboard

Dear my blog, it has been too, too long. I have so many posts swirling around in my head that need to be written, but I'm *strangely* being unusually focused at work (but not so much that I am not posting this now :) )

For now, this post will serve as a chalkboard for some of the things I am working on so I don't forget, or leave it behind me. These things need to be given a place. So, for future posting (or past posting perhaps:

Book Review: Guns, Germs & Steel

Book Review: The Revolution: a Field Manual for Changing Your World

Respond to this post on (un)Veilings

Your daily quiz dose

Took this quiz, courtesy of Amy. The results were interesting. Not so much in what came out (that I am an analyzer) but in the description of me. I think the results describe me a bit too well...

Anyway, without further ado, here are the results:

General Description
As an Analyzer, you tend to seek perfect outcomes in all of your plans and projects. In many situations, you “take things apart” in your mind and think about ways to do them better. You excel at this kind of mental examination, but you may tend to see family and friends as “projects,” rather than as people.

Typical Areas of Strength
Analyzers, like you, tend to be analytical, logical, direct, confident, and they like new challenges. They excel at seeing the larger vision, creating efficient methods and procedures, and listening carefully for the facts.

Typical Areas of Struggle
Due to your tendency to focus on tasks, you sometimes show a lack of sensitivity to the feelings of family members and friends. When you are sharply focused on a task, you may come across as being overly critical, judgmental, blunt, or impatient with others.

Your Preferred Activities
To maximize your talents, you look for situations in which you can offer logical solutions to complex challenges, and you evaluate and make the necessary changes to assure the desired outcome.

Your Communication Style
You tend to provide insights and direction by teaching, managing, clarifying, and advising.

Morea Bicolor

This is the next plant that I will purchase. It is gorgeous. I googled it to see how practical it would be for my garden, and much to my pleasant surprise, I found the following info (courtesy Sunny Gardens):

Dietes bicolor
(Fortnight Lily, Bicolor Iris, Morea Bicolor)

Though its distinctive flowers last only a day, the African Iris flowers often in mild, warm winter climates. Also called the Fortnight Lily because blooms open in 2-week batches. Flowers are white or yellow and their dark markings have colorful orange or yellow highlights. Leaves are sword shaped and eventually form sizable clumps. Drought-tolerant once established, but bloom more when watered. Attractive near water or along dry stream beds in Japanese gardens. Remove seed pods as they form to encourage flowering and prevent volunteer plants from starting. Sold as container stock. Divide infrequently, in fall or winter.

Plant Type: Perennial
Bloom Season: Early Spring through Early Winter
Flower Color: Yellow
Foliage: Evergreen
Height: 2 ft. to 3 ft.
Width: 5 ft.
Sunlight: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Climate: Zones 8, 9, 10, 11

Sounds PERFECT for what we are wanting to do with the backyard!! AND, it is drought tolerant, a must have anything that is to survive in Hannah's garden. WOO HOO!