The condition of my heart

The question for this week's fight club is: what is the condition of my heart. (Have I gotten anything out of fight club?)

Where does my heart stand? Where am I right now? Am I moving forward or backward. Am I standing still? Am I resting or hurrying everywhere?

I am allowing myself to be tossed about by the winds of life. I am not being intentional with my time, my thoughts, my relationships. I am just drifting. Being fair to myself, I am going through a major life transition, from married woman, to married woman with a child and I have yet to settle on how that is going to change, what needs to change, why things need to change, my peace with the change. And yet, I am restless. I feel like I am not doing what I need to be doing. I am not even starting towards working at what I need to be doing. But then, I don't even know what I need to be doing. I put alot of pressure on myself to be strong, to be right, to be in charge, to do it myself. I know that I cannot continue to do this, but I am not happy that I can't. I have not made peace with the fact that I am going to have a child, but I don't know how to make peace with that. I have not made peace with the fact that I will probably not be able to be an exclusively stay at home mom. Would I be willing to take on all the financial responsibility so that Jason could stay home? I don't know. I am terrified at what we are to face in the next year. I am burying my head in the sand because I don't want to think about it. I have not finished a book since I started fight club. I have not had a regular time of soul enriching. I have not had a regular time to sit and reflect. I still don't exercise regularly (although I DO have a gym membership at least). I don't even journal regularly. I don't hold myself accountable when I don't meet goals that I have set for myself. I have not sought out an accountability partner to help me stay on track. I have let these days slip past without doing anything significant for the kingdom.

And yet, it is not all bad. I have planted and am tending two beautiful gardens. I have consistently taken the time to research and write a blurb for our newsletter. I have planned and taught a few spanish lessons. I have started reading several very intense books. I have a deeper understanding of who I am and how I can impact the kingdom. I have an intense desire for spiritual things that I did not have before fight club. I have made several very deep friendships with women whom I probably wouldn't have in the normal course of events. I appreciate the value that solid relationships with other women in the same and different stages of life bring to my life. I cherish our community. I have confronted and started dealing with my relationship with food. I have seen that scripture is an instrument for change, not control. I have learned that God can be a woman too. I have learned to ask God what she thinks about what I'm doing, and to seek Her for comfort when things blow up around me. I have learned to see God in the beauty around me. I am learning that I am precious and loved. I am trying to be Jesus to my coworkers, focusing less on "being professional" and more on showing love ot those around me. I have invited several people to Mosaic, to my house, out to coffee, to hang out and to get to know them better. All of this, directly as a result of fight club.

Am I where I want to be? Not at all, but I have made some strides forward in these last few months. I have definitely been given the tools to continue to move forward in the next stage of my life. Now, more than ever, I feel as if I really am surrounded by a cloud of supporters who are cheering me on, holding my hand, helping me walk as I journey through this life. Thank you.