Beauty

Last night we got into a discussion about sex and the difference between the sexes as it relates to sex. One of the things came up was that a woman needs to feel beautiful in order to be able to sleep with a man. She needs to feel that the man sees her as beautiful and desirable in order to be able to "give it up".

I have discovered that most women struggle with some sort of body image issues. Every woman that I have spoken to about this has had problems. She might be the most beautiful woman you know, but she feels ugly and undesirable. She might struggle with weight (or just think she does) and she thinks she is ugly and undesirable. Women of all shapes and sizes, both accepted by society and ridiculed by society, have body image issues.

We do not see ourselves as beautiful. We are taught by other women that this is the way things ought to be. We are taught to not be satisfied with who God made us to be. We are taught to be feel ugly when pregnancy changes the way our body looks... even though our bodies are made to have children. It is almost like a weird, false humility. If I tell myself I am not beautiful, then at least I am not being proud. The men in our lives reinforce this teaching. They are visual creatures. We know they are looking at us and raking our assets. We know that they won't be interested if they don't find us attractive. When men tell us we are beautiful, we try to figure out what about me does he find beautiful. Then when whatever we thought was the reason he thought we were beautiful changes (ie. he likes me because I am skinny, but now I've gained 20 pounds), we again feel that we are not beautiful nor desired. Even if the man is still around who told us we were beautiful before, we feel that he is just being patronizing. He is biased, or just saying that... he doesn't really believe it.

We allow others' opinion of beauty to affect the effectiveness of our lives. We feel beautiful: we go out, we take on difficult projects, we are more assertive, we are more successful. We feel ugly: we stay home, we just do the minimum, we are passive, we don't get that promotion. Why do we let others have this much control over our lives? "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" holds hope for women. Beauty is whatever you decide is beautiful. If one person doesn't find you beautiful, someone else will. If you believe yourself to be beautiful, you are. You behold yourself and say, this is beauty. I imagine that men (and other women) would find a woman irresistibly attractive if she just knew she was beautiful. If she really believed it (and wasn't just saying it get attention).

How do we teach this to women? How do I teach this to myself? How can I teach my daughter? This goes past positive affirmations, sayings, rituals. This says, "I am beautiful no matter what. I am desirable, I am loved. And I believe it."