I found out on Thursday that not only do they think they want us up there, we are their first choice. &*#$@!
We are heading up there Mother's Day Weekend. I need to hear God speak. I am afraid that I am not hearing God because I am afraid of what he will say. I am afraid that God has already spoken but I don't want to settle with that answer. I am paralyzed: a yes makes logical sense, but my emotions say no. Please let me hear/see/feel God's heart and that I will not doubt it when it comes.
I don't think I could bear it if we made the wrong choice.
4.29.2006
4.28.2006
Rain
I have an interesting relationship with rain. When I was a small child, I remember loving it. Whenever it rained in the summer, we would get to go out and play in the rain. In fact, I don't remember playing in the water much unless it was in the rain. As I got older and went to real school, rain began to be a barrier to fun activities like field trips and recess. One of the first field trips that I went on had to be changed because of a torrential downpour. And let me tell you, playing board games in the classroom when you want to run around and play tag just doesn't cut it.
As a teenager, I hated rain because it messed up my carefully done hair and makeup. It's hard to keep that mascara looking good when you are drenched, and it seems that my hair always frizzed up every time it even thought about raining. Then I learned that driving in the rain is not a fun activity either. Not because your own driving skills are impaired, but because everyone ELSE freaks out about there being water on the road. The same thing happens when it thinks about snowing. Not so fun.
When I was a junior in college, I can remember it rained for days on end. This was the same year that the sun came out maybe 2 days for the whole month of February, so we were already aching for some sunshine. I was reading Gabriel Garcia Marquez's book One Hundred Years of Solitude (or more correctly Cien Años de Soledad as I was reading it for a Spanish Lit class) and we came to the flood section. Strangely, it rained and rained, and rained some more, as we were reading this in class. The literature came alive for me in a new way. I was able to feel with the characters the frustration and depression that comes when so much water is falling from the sky. You begin to believe that it will never stop.
I realized yesterday, as I was looking at the cloudy, darkening sky, that I was excited about it raining. In fact, I now check the weather to see when we can expect the next rain. Living in Texas, going through a bad drought, has changed my view of rain. Rain is good. It brings life and cooler weather. It replenishes thirsty streams and ponds. It cleans all the nasty stuff off of the roads, plants and buildings. It often takes away electricity. We have to stop what we are doing, look out the windows and be blown away by the power of nature. We try to hard to insulate ourselves from being affected by nature, but it is most often rain that forces us to recognize that we are NOT all powerful. We are subject to the control of something far greater than we.
Now get back to work.
As a teenager, I hated rain because it messed up my carefully done hair and makeup. It's hard to keep that mascara looking good when you are drenched, and it seems that my hair always frizzed up every time it even thought about raining. Then I learned that driving in the rain is not a fun activity either. Not because your own driving skills are impaired, but because everyone ELSE freaks out about there being water on the road. The same thing happens when it thinks about snowing. Not so fun.
When I was a junior in college, I can remember it rained for days on end. This was the same year that the sun came out maybe 2 days for the whole month of February, so we were already aching for some sunshine. I was reading Gabriel Garcia Marquez's book One Hundred Years of Solitude (or more correctly Cien Años de Soledad as I was reading it for a Spanish Lit class) and we came to the flood section. Strangely, it rained and rained, and rained some more, as we were reading this in class. The literature came alive for me in a new way. I was able to feel with the characters the frustration and depression that comes when so much water is falling from the sky. You begin to believe that it will never stop.
I realized yesterday, as I was looking at the cloudy, darkening sky, that I was excited about it raining. In fact, I now check the weather to see when we can expect the next rain. Living in Texas, going through a bad drought, has changed my view of rain. Rain is good. It brings life and cooler weather. It replenishes thirsty streams and ponds. It cleans all the nasty stuff off of the roads, plants and buildings. It often takes away electricity. We have to stop what we are doing, look out the windows and be blown away by the power of nature. We try to hard to insulate ourselves from being affected by nature, but it is most often rain that forces us to recognize that we are NOT all powerful. We are subject to the control of something far greater than we.
Now get back to work.
4.27.2006
Zoom out
Sometimes as I am going about my day something happens that I have begun to term "zoom out". This happened to me today as I was on my way to the restroom. I passed a woman in the hallway and it struck me that this woman, just like me, has a life. I realized that she has hopes and dreams, she loves or hates her job, has to deal with high gas prices, and clothing fashions, etc. Jesus loves her too.
I realized that I must spend most of my life walking around thinking that those people who are incidentals in my life are bots. They might look and act like real people, but there's nothing behind the eyes. I wonder when I started seeing people that way? I wonder why?
Most of my awake time I spend so focused in on what is going on in my life and my closest friends and family that I completely forget that everyone else out there - EVERYONE ELSE - goes through their lives with just as much anquish and joy as I do. It is moments like these where God zooms me out, just a bit, where I am able to appreciate the amazing complexity that exists around me. Wow. We live in an amazing place.
I realized that I must spend most of my life walking around thinking that those people who are incidentals in my life are bots. They might look and act like real people, but there's nothing behind the eyes. I wonder when I started seeing people that way? I wonder why?
Most of my awake time I spend so focused in on what is going on in my life and my closest friends and family that I completely forget that everyone else out there - EVERYONE ELSE - goes through their lives with just as much anquish and joy as I do. It is moments like these where God zooms me out, just a bit, where I am able to appreciate the amazing complexity that exists around me. Wow. We live in an amazing place.
4.20.2006
Closer to the edge
They called last night. They want to fly us up there to run a weekend service. To meet us in person. We didn't freak them out or push them away with our interview. My crazy hippiness wasn't a turnoff. They think they want us up there.
Our thoughts when we initially applied for this position was that they wouldn't want us. Rodney asked Jason to apply, and we did, but we thought that we were too radical for what they wanted. We LIKE Mosaic. No. We LOVE Mosaic. We have friends here. We worship freely here. We are pushed here. We push here. We have good, fairly secure jobs, with good pay, and decent enough hours and benefits. I LIKE it here. I am at home here. Yes, I complain sometimes about the lack of rain, the heat, the politics. But, that's just something to complain about, its not really a deal breaker.
One year ago, I started listening to WPR in Wisconsin online because I was fantasizing about moving up to Rockford with Rodney and Cyndy. I looked at houses, I drooled over Chicago. I adore the Anderson Gardens, the town is idyllic, but large enough to have interesting things (no creepy small-town Danville stuff at all), and is VERY close to Chicago. I loved it when I visited in October. They have SEASONS!
Where I stand today, I have no idea. Thoughts of leaving upset me and make me cry. But I do not want to limit Jason. Do I think that we will have great experiences up there? Yes. But I don't want to leave this great experience. I have never felt this way about anything before. I was even ready to leave college and start new when the time came. I feel like I have put roots down and am hanging on with my fingers and toes to this texas clay.
Is this a sign then that we aren't supposed to go? Or am I being selfish, upset about leaving a sheltered cove? I was hoping that RVCC would make the no decision for us. That way we wouldn't have to wonder if we were doing the right thing or not. It is becoming more apparent to me that we are going to have to take that decision leap and I'm dragging my feet.
Our thoughts when we initially applied for this position was that they wouldn't want us. Rodney asked Jason to apply, and we did, but we thought that we were too radical for what they wanted. We LIKE Mosaic. No. We LOVE Mosaic. We have friends here. We worship freely here. We are pushed here. We push here. We have good, fairly secure jobs, with good pay, and decent enough hours and benefits. I LIKE it here. I am at home here. Yes, I complain sometimes about the lack of rain, the heat, the politics. But, that's just something to complain about, its not really a deal breaker.
One year ago, I started listening to WPR in Wisconsin online because I was fantasizing about moving up to Rockford with Rodney and Cyndy. I looked at houses, I drooled over Chicago. I adore the Anderson Gardens, the town is idyllic, but large enough to have interesting things (no creepy small-town Danville stuff at all), and is VERY close to Chicago. I loved it when I visited in October. They have SEASONS!
Where I stand today, I have no idea. Thoughts of leaving upset me and make me cry. But I do not want to limit Jason. Do I think that we will have great experiences up there? Yes. But I don't want to leave this great experience. I have never felt this way about anything before. I was even ready to leave college and start new when the time came. I feel like I have put roots down and am hanging on with my fingers and toes to this texas clay.
Is this a sign then that we aren't supposed to go? Or am I being selfish, upset about leaving a sheltered cove? I was hoping that RVCC would make the no decision for us. That way we wouldn't have to wonder if we were doing the right thing or not. It is becoming more apparent to me that we are going to have to take that decision leap and I'm dragging my feet.
4.18.2006
Coming to terms with my addiction
Lent officially ended on Saturday at midnight. And yes, I binged on the net yesterday at work. But, I believe that I am aware that I don't need the net to fit in, or to be in the know, or to communicate with others. I am sad that I found ways to cheat, and hardly felt guilty about it; in fact, I felt very clever because I was "abstaining" but still got my fix. But I will attempt a Lenten fast again, and I will strive to continue to learn how my addictions affect my relationship with god.
And now, back to work...
And now, back to work...
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