On the Journey to Motherhood

One of the reasons that pregnancy takes so long, and believe me, when you are the one who is pregnant, these 9 months seem like forever, is so that the host/woman/mother-to-be can transform herself from a woman/girl/young adult into a mother. I am 5 or 6 weeks away from the midway point of my journey and I have become aware that as I am walking, I am changing.

The first, most obvious change was that I suddenly became intensely interested in all things child-birth and early child rearing related. This from a person who would avoid, avoid, avoid all things baby like it was the plague. Not only did I find myself wanting to know about these things, I have strangely not been able to get enough of that information. Still, after 3 months of searching, reading, collecting, musing, I'm still hungry for more.

I am paying attention to my body more than ever before. If I am hungry, I eat as quickly as possible. If I want something specific, then I try to find it and eat it. I drink when I'm thirsty and sleep when I'm tired. I use the bathroom at the first sign of discomfort. I have been paying more attention to how my muscles and bones feel than I ever have before. For the first time in my life, I feel completely in tune with my body and her needs. And it is wonderful. I think I finally understand what my mom meant when she said she enjoyed being pregnant. I feel fabulous. For the first time in my life, I am less focused on what I look like and more into what I feel like. It is an amazing transformation in relatively little time. I cannot wait to see what the next 5 months bring.

Emotionally, I am beginning to withdraw from my own family. Strangely, I am feeling more capable and desirous of handling this child on my own and with my community here. When I first found out that we were going to add a member to our little family, I was incredibly jealous of other women who's family is near enough to help. Of family who cared enough to take time off to come help, to be there for you. I can't say how sad I was that my family was so far away and/or doesn't seem to care to take time out of their busy schedules to come visit. Granted, I'm not dropping work or my schedule to go see them every free moment I get either, but, honestly comparing my family to others left mine lacking alot. Not to say that my family isn't great. After all, I was the one who chose to live all the way out here in TX, but there are times where I feel incredibly abandoned and unloved by my family.

However, my wishing my family lived closer ended with our trip to MO this 4th of July. It wasn't that there was a huge blowout or anything, but I suddenly realized that the reason that I live 1400 miles away from them is because I don't NEED them. Strangely, I think our relationship is better if it is long-distance. I don't have to deal with the step-siblings, or the step-dad, or the shy dogs, or rules that I don't know are there until I've broken them. I get to call and chat, and then hang up and deal with my own things, boundaries that I've made, friendships I've developed. I think, finally, I have grown up. It has taken 8 years of me distancing myself, going to new places, meeting new people, developing my passions and interests to realize that my family is best kept in MD and me in TX. That is why I never even considered living in MD as an adult. It wasn't even an option when we were looking at our options at the end of college. Separation, at least for me, is what I needed to be able to find my self-identity. I need separation from my family in order to preserve my sanity.

Somehow, carrying this child has helped me realize this. I think this child is helping me to concentrate on who I am. On how I will integrate caring for this little one into my life, my passions, my loves. I am beginning to love her/him already and I cannot wait to feel them moving. I can't wait to not be able to hide that I am pregnant, I can't wait to see them moving on the ultrasound. I can't wait to hold this one in my arms and cuddle. To answer questions, to get to watch her/him learning everything for the first time. I cannot wait to be amazed.