A letter

Dear K,

I wasn’t going to respond to this email, but it has really been bothering me. I’m hoping that by getting this out in the air we can dialogue about it. My sitting here stewing doesn’t do anyone any good and I don’t want to mess up a relationship before it’s even started.

Before I start, a few things:

1) I have several very touchy subjects that I tend to overreact on. If this is a case of overreaction, I ask for forgiveness from you. I understand that the way that I see things is colored by my past. However, I am upset and I just can’t let it pass.

2) I would like to dialogue about it. I’m not writing this to flame anybody, but I am trying to get my thoughts out in a way that maybe I can work towards something better.

3) I am writing this because I am much better at writing and dialoguing through written words than I am verbally. I feel that I am much too emotional to be able to beneficially talk about this face to face, whereas I am able to take out a lot of the emotion when I write.

4) Finally, I love you. I want to have a deep relationship with you. What I’m about to write is going to be difficult to read. I’m not trying to be mean or hurtful, I’m really not, but I have to get this off my chest. I am sorry.

Ok… deep breath.

“Somebody please tell me about this Play or movie?....The Vagina Monologues.....how crass....isn't anything about our bodies that isn't personal and private in our post modern world....Sorry, old fashioned doesn't seem all that bad to me. I've always been a strong, independent woman, and I have never had to blurt out the sacred parts of my body as some kind of rite of passage?”

When I read this, I was very upset. First, how can you say that anything is crass if you haven’t seen it or even heard about it? Is the word vagina offensive to you? Why? Doesn’t that make you angry? Sacred doesn’t mean secret or unspoken. Sacred doesn’t mean we need to be ashamed of it. Sacred doesn’t mean that we don’t talk about it. Isn’t everything about our bodies sacred? We are made in the image of God, so why do we specify certain parts as sacred and others not?

Let me tell you about my experience with the Vagina Monologues. The first time I went I was a sophomore in college; I went because my roommate was performing that evening and I wanted to be supportive. She was performing a piece called “Because he likes to look at it.” I had heard her practice her piece and had read it and I will tell you that I was incredibly uncomfortable. But roommate etiquette is such that when she has something she’s worked hard on, you go support her; when you work hard on something, she comes to support you. Quid pro quo. So, I went. I went to this collection of monologues and cried and laughed and cried. It was so powerful, so moving, so everything that I had ever wondered or screamed about or hated. I loved it. It was so cathartic to sit in an audience that was primarily women and have brought into the light all the things that I had been told to keep hidden. And, it was beautiful! For the first time in my life, I realized that being a woman was not a curse, not something to be overcome. I too was created in God’s image and every part of me, the parts that I had been taught to loathe and the parts that I was taught to love, every part is beautiful and precious.

But it took going to something called the Vagina Monologues to get me to that point. So, I think you need to go. You need to go because your sisters want to go, and you need to go because you need to hear how other women have dealt/are dealing with their femininity. Yes, we are sexual beings. Yes, we have hang ups. Yes, we are beautiful. Yes, we have to deal with tampons. It is good to address these things because our culture keeps them hidden, covered up, not talked about, shamed. And then, after you have seen it, you are welcome to have an opinion on the performance. I respect that. I understand that the Vagina Monologues aren’t for everyone. But don’t knock something you haven’t seen just because it doesn’t work for you.

Your response to my email:

“Thank you Hannah, for the article and I read several. I can appreciate the organization as I too, have been a victim of such violence....However, I remain convinced that sin is at the root of such violence, as so many other so-called diseases....such as drug addiction and alcoholism.....satan is subtle and would love for us to get our eyes on such organizations and not the real answer...which is Christ. But that answer would not fit into many religions, as we shall see in the end. But, I want to add, that we do as Christians have a responsibility to respond with action to the outcries of our sisters. I think prayer would be the first order of business, in my opinion.....Maybe you and I and the other 10 can somehow make a difference in our own community? Also, my best friend, Nita, is a long time sexually abused woman....I'd love for her to share her testimony to our group if the others agree. Her adopted father was a deacon in the Baptist church, which to me, makes the whole thing somehow worse....if you know what I mean....”

A few things here: I am violently allergic to christianese and churchiness. It makes me sick and I just shut down. I am working on trying to have a less violent reaction to these things, but I am very far away from being mature in that area. I understand that some people are just wired to communicate that way; but when I hear that, I just hear false religiousity and hypocrisy and trump cards. This response, to me, reeks of churchiness. “However, I remain convinced that sin is at the root of such violence, as so many other so-called diseases....such as drug addiction and alcoholism” I’m left wondering what the hell that’s supposed to mean. Since sin is involved does that mean we don’t need to address it? How does Christ help us deal with the overwhelming issue of violence against women? Christ was a person of action. V-day is an organization of action. They are out there DOING something about violence against women; how is that Satan’s trick? I agree with you that we need to be people of action against this violence, but then I’m confused by your next sentence. We need to pray?! Excuse my cynicism, but praying about something doesn’t do anything to address the real hurt, guilt and shame that exist for the victim. Can we 13 make a difference in the community? Absolutely! Does prayer have a hand in it, yes, but that is not the solution. I am reminded of James 2:16 where he says “Good morning, friend! Be clothed in Christ! Be filled with the Holy Spirit!" and walk off without providing so much as a coat or a cup of soup--where does that get you?” I’m not saying that’s what you’re advocating, I’m just saying that’s what I hear when someone says why don’t we pray when confronted with a big ugly issue that needs action.

My heart goes out to your friend Nita. I am heartbroken that she had to deal with such an ugly thing in life. But I fail to see how having her share her “testimony” with our group would be beneficial to anyone, but especially not to her. To me, the worst thing that anyone can say about abuse is that, “well, you can get some good out of it by sharing with others.” There is no redeeming factor about abuse. It is ugly, it is wrong, it is not fair and no amount of “sharing a testimony” will make it better. Period.

–o–

So, this is me vomiting up my old hurts and anger. I am sorry for being so emotionally sensitive. I hope that if I were to do or say or write anything that bothered you, you would let me know as well. We cannot be better if we do not know. I apologize if I have offended, I apologize if I have hurt.

Love,

hannah