Beauty

Last night we got into a discussion about sex and the difference between the sexes as it relates to sex. One of the things came up was that a woman needs to feel beautiful in order to be able to sleep with a man. She needs to feel that the man sees her as beautiful and desirable in order to be able to "give it up".

I have discovered that most women struggle with some sort of body image issues. Every woman that I have spoken to about this has had problems. She might be the most beautiful woman you know, but she feels ugly and undesirable. She might struggle with weight (or just think she does) and she thinks she is ugly and undesirable. Women of all shapes and sizes, both accepted by society and ridiculed by society, have body image issues.

We do not see ourselves as beautiful. We are taught by other women that this is the way things ought to be. We are taught to not be satisfied with who God made us to be. We are taught to be feel ugly when pregnancy changes the way our body looks... even though our bodies are made to have children. It is almost like a weird, false humility. If I tell myself I am not beautiful, then at least I am not being proud. The men in our lives reinforce this teaching. They are visual creatures. We know they are looking at us and raking our assets. We know that they won't be interested if they don't find us attractive. When men tell us we are beautiful, we try to figure out what about me does he find beautiful. Then when whatever we thought was the reason he thought we were beautiful changes (ie. he likes me because I am skinny, but now I've gained 20 pounds), we again feel that we are not beautiful nor desired. Even if the man is still around who told us we were beautiful before, we feel that he is just being patronizing. He is biased, or just saying that... he doesn't really believe it.

We allow others' opinion of beauty to affect the effectiveness of our lives. We feel beautiful: we go out, we take on difficult projects, we are more assertive, we are more successful. We feel ugly: we stay home, we just do the minimum, we are passive, we don't get that promotion. Why do we let others have this much control over our lives? "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" holds hope for women. Beauty is whatever you decide is beautiful. If one person doesn't find you beautiful, someone else will. If you believe yourself to be beautiful, you are. You behold yourself and say, this is beauty. I imagine that men (and other women) would find a woman irresistibly attractive if she just knew she was beautiful. If she really believed it (and wasn't just saying it get attention).

How do we teach this to women? How do I teach this to myself? How can I teach my daughter? This goes past positive affirmations, sayings, rituals. This says, "I am beautiful no matter what. I am desirable, I am loved. And I believe it."

3 years

Today is the 3rd anniversary of our marriage. The last one we will enjoy just us two for a very long time. Next year, we will have a four (or a five - not sure how they measure these things) month old. How insane is that? :)

I am so glad that I married Jason. He is a good, sweet, considerate, loving man. I couldn't have found anyone else who could have been as good for me. The amazing part is that our marriage just seems to be getting better. I really do love him more now than on the day I married him. The hard times we have just serve to make the good times that much better and deeper.

Thank you for 3 (7) years of the best time of my life. I love you!

Deciding

We decided to stay.

All that turmoil, conflict, soul searching ended up with us deciding to stay here in Texas, to walk with our community as we bring a child into the world. It was a very difficult decision. I thought I was never going to be able to stop crying. We stayed here because of me. I didn't want to move to RVCC. There were too many unknowns, but I would have gone if they had offered enough money to give me options, or if Jason had been able to tell me he believed this was the right thing to do for our family. Neither happened, so I told Jason that I didn't want to go. I didn't threaten him or give him an ultimatum. I told him I would follow him if he went, but that I wanted to know that he WANTED this, that he believed in it enough for the both of us.

He was honest with me, told me that he felt like it would be fine for us to stay or go and that if I felt so strongly about going then we needed to stay. Even though his job here is not ideal. Even though moving up to RVCC would have allowed him to work with Rodney, in a church where there are many options. He turned down all of that for me. I am humbled and amazed. I love this man.

Why

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Review et al

Well, the review went better than expected. I got a pretty good raise, lots of great opportunities in the next year or so, so that is GREAT. I told Mike that I was pregnant and he was abit taken a back, but he was ok with it. He is definitely willing to let me work from home when the time comes, although he is less willing for me to work far away as my new responsibilities will involve me being here to observe processes, attend meetings, etc. All in all though, I am glad to know that I have options in case RVCC doesn't work out.

Jason spoke with the insurance guy and their insurance sounds amazing. It covers everything and the most out of pocket costs we would have would be $500... not too shabby considering we are trying to sock as much money as possible for after baby... that would leave alot more money in the emergency fund after birth for other emergencies, so that's nice :)

We talk to Mark tonight to find out what their side on all of this is. Then our decision needs to go in to RVCC by EOD tomorrow, so this is all going to be over in just a few short hours *hallelujah!* So, it is a good day. I am happy with the way our options are panning out, if we work it right, this will be a win-win situation... woo hoo!! :)

Updates

We still haven't seen the actual package for what they are going to offer us to come up there. Jason told them we'd have a decision to them by Wednesday, but I was hoping we'd be able to get some dedicated time out this weekend to analyze and look at our options. It doesn't seem that will happen now. We don't have practice on Tuesday, but I think I might be having coffee with Merica then, so that kind of takes that out.

We did look at our mortgage yesterday and it is fully transferrable so long as the candidates are credit approved by the lender. I cannot believe that we are seriously considering moving. It just goes to show you that as soon as you think you are committing and settling down somewhere God has other ideas in mind. At least whichever way we decide, we will know that we are going to be a bit more permanent. No more of this well we never planned on staying here anyway stuff.

But I also want to say that I am very excited about the opportunities up in Rockford. This church is growing and they are actively seeking to engage their community. They WANT us to bring everything we have learned at Mosaic to help them reach their community better. They WANT us to bring fresh ideas to the table, new ways of doing things, new ways of talking about God and life as a Jesus-lover. Moving up to Rockford wouldn't be a bad thing. It really wouldn't. I'm pretty sure we would be well taken care of and loved.

But I will miss the family we have made here, the community, the friends, the sisters. We will still be involved as much as we can across the distance, especially since Mosaic is such a community online, that really shouldn't be too difficult. But I will miss the face-to-face, the coffee, the conversations, Panther City Coffee... I will miss Amy so much, I can't bear the thought of leaving her. I do know that we will still be friends and will probably work to see each other as much as possible... oh, I can't think about that right now.

Well...

Well, Jason just called me. The search team unanimously recommended that RVCC hire us as program director. The elders unanimously recommended that RVCC hire us as program director. holy shit. We are on the cliff. Either way, we have to jump. What meets us at the bottom is now what we have to figure out. Which way: stay here, go there. I can't believe it. Why us? Why now? Is this what we are supposed to be doing? Is this a temptation? Will this be best for our family? Will I be depressed? Will I be happy?

I can't believe this. We applied for shits and giggles... we TOLD them we applied for shits and giggles (well not in those exact words, but...) it isn't so funny now. These people have invested their time, money and prayers into this thing. Don't get me wrong, so have we, but I never EVER expected this to come to this point. Never. We are too much oddballs. too out-there. too revolutionary. too young. How is this possible?

Friday

Hooray for Fridays. I've got two more hours and stacks of work I don't want to do. Logically, the only thing left to do is post here... :)

I was catching up on some blogs that I've been away from recently and I found this on (un)Veilings:

"I'm realizing that life isn't something you wait to live until the kids are grown or even just in school. Life isn't something you put off until your resume is long. It isn't something you hold like your breath, or keep locked in a cage, feeding but once or twice a day.

"It's here. Right now. It's this week, and this spring, this night with all the trees in bloom, and the crickets cricking, this lamp spilling golden light across my lap, my hands, the little scar where I accidentally poked myself with lead in seventh grade. I don't want to fill this glorious life I've been given so full that the glory fades, and it doesn't even matter because I don't have time to notice anyway. I don't want to be so preoccupied with the next ten things I'm trying to accomplish that the one right in front of me gets only half of me."

So much of what she writes resonates with me right now. As I am trying to figure out the next step in my life I am confronted with so many things that I am putting on hold (education, exercise, contemplation, writing, gardening) because I am too busy working, or too tired, or...

As we are trying to figure out how I will combine my roles of mother and worker, I find that I am less willing to put these dreams on hold. I never believed that I would NOT go on to get more advanced degrees, and yet, here I am 3 years removed from college graduation and absolutely no sign that I will be able to pursue that dream anywhere in the near future, ESPECIALLY with a little one on the way. I am afraid that it might be 20 years until I acutally get that garden oasis in our backyard - I never seemed to have the time to work on it because I was too busy with work and church. While much of the church things that I do have lasting value, I can guarantee you that my work is just wasted time. It puts food on the table, clothes on our backs and shelter over our head. And brings more stress into our lives.

At this point, I can't imagine adding a baby to the mix. Something will have to give, and if I get to pick, it will be my job. I'm sure we will figure out a way to make things work, to provide for our needs, and to find enough to give away to those in greater need than us. Despite the surprising nature of this baby, I think she will change our lives for the better.

Hohumdeedum

I'm still at work, processing reports for Mike, and the damn program keeps giving me this error message... curse technology. I have an appointment to see the midwife on Tuesday. Jennifer will be out of the office tomorrow and Friday, so I imagine I'm going to be having a fairly hellacious rest of the week. I slept really well last night though. Hmm, now why is it telling me its going to update 0 rows and then take 15 minutes to do that?!

We have dinner with the Porters tomorrow night, then camping on Friday and Saturday. I'm hoping to be able to catch up on all the lost sleep sometime, but its not looking promising until Memorial Day.

Anyway, no deep or exciting insights today, just normal, blase stuff life is made of. Oh, before I forget, check out our baby blog... I'll try to keep stuff separated, but its a bit difficult as my life and my being pregnant really affect each other. But I will try :)

Back in TX

I don't have a whole lot of time to post, but just wanted to say that we are back in town. It is good to be home, good to not be stared at and evaluated every moment you are with people, good to pet my kitties. Things went very well up north. Everyone was extremely friendly and welcoming, despite the ridiculously cold and rainy weather. Sunday morning went really well. No major snafus, or crash and burns. I also made it mostly through the weekend without dropping any major profanity. There were a few slipups; but, they were small and inconsequential.

I can tell you that we did not recieve a prophetic word from God telling us to stay in TX. In fact, at this moment, moving to Rockford seems to make the most logical sense. I am terribly sad at the thought of leaving my life here behind, but at the same time excited about the new opportunities and friendships that await.

But, for now, the ball is in their court. They will make the decision whether to call us or not. Then we have to say "Yes" or No" and figure out how to make it work, either way. We will probably know, one way or the other, by this weekend. I can't wait to get out of this grey zone of not knowing where we will be in next few months. This feels like purgatory; I am waiting on someone to pray me out.

Growing Up

Well, since the last I posted, my life has changed significantly. I am pregnant!!! We are very excited, but I am scared as well... there are so many things that can go wrong, and that doesn't even count AFTER the baby is born... my daily prayer is that we will be good parents.

I am due January 9, 2007, if all goes well, but I would be fine with being late if that's what the baby wants... later is better as it gives the whole birthday crunch some breathing room. I guess that's what we get for trying to space it out a bit, eh? Well, I think this one is a girl, as we were very careful during the fertile times. I'm very much looking forward to meeting her.

I think she was actually conceived during fight club weekend sometime, so I am sure that she will be feisty, strong and beautiful. Her name will be Annan Alec which means conqueror of the sky. But mostly, just because I like the sound of it.

Well, I'm off to finish getting ready. More updates later.

Ciao.

Love Assessment: The Hannah Version

Hannah's definitely gives up, easily. Any hint of failure or rejection and she is gone. Hannah tries to care more for others than herself, but sometimes she finds that in her focus on others, she is still being selfish. Hannah almost always wants what she doesn't have. She has bought into the idea that envy is the best motivation and is sad that she cannot rejoice in the amazing things she already has been given. Hannah doesn't strut or have a swelled head unless she thinks she has a right, and then she has a hard time listening to other sides and perspectives. She is learning how to dialogue with others and to go at their pace instead of forcing herself on others, but she still tends to if she is not careful. She doesn't fly off the handle, but she does keep score especially when she feels that she is being wronged. She revels in the downfall of her enemies and wishes she could say "I told you so" too many times. She is learning to love those who are difficult and is trying hard to not gloat when things don't go well for them. Hannah loves truth. She loves watching it grow and make beautiful flowers and change the world around it. She wishes she could figure out how to get more of that in her life even though it is often a painful process. Hannah doesn't always trust God, but she is working on that. She knows that God wants the best, but sometimes her heart doesn't understand why she has to go through so much crap. She tries to look for the best in every situation, but often fails to look for the best in others. She can be very cynical about people in her life, but she realizes that this is not good for her heart. Hannah doesn't look back, today and tomorrow are going to be better than anything in the past. She is excited about what is up ahead.

Love Assessment

Part of the fight club homework is to compare our love to I Cor 13: 4-8. In preparation for handling that assignment, here is the text:

Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.

Love doesn't strut,

Doesn't have a swelled head,

Doesn't force itself on others,

Isn't always "me first,"

Doesn't fly off the handle,

Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn't revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back

But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies.

So, how do I measure up? More to come...

Books

I love books. I love reading. I find myself plagued by two completely different, yet equally dismaying facts:
1) I have little time to dedicate to hard-core reading
2) I seem to have a problem finishing books. I start them and am very excited about them, then my mind wanders and I move on to different books.

With that bit of context, there is a list of 100 books/CDs/movies that I have been keeping since the summer of 2005. Anytime I hear an interesting interview, come across a review that interests me, or do my own "related books" search on Amazon, each one of these items has been added for its very own reason. It seems that I have found myself with a raging book-buying addiction. At least, for the moment, I have contented myself with merely adding these books to a list instead of buying them. I would have to read 2 books/week in order to get through this list in a year. I definitely have a problem.

The cure? I think I need to visit my local library. Or at least, Half-Price books so I can be a bit "greener" with my book choices... but buying online is just so easy... *sigh*

So, until I find the time to head over to the library or half-price, I will just be happy adding more to my list.