Mother - reveal who you are

I am attempting to reconnect with my spiritual side. Over the last few weeks, I've realized that I feel like my spiritual persona is amputated and broken. Seems like even though I am reading the bible and studying about God, I'm still not connecting to her spiritually. When I think about my spiritual persona, I imagine it looks like the angel's wings in Dogma after they have been severed - you can see where the beautiful wings are supposed to be, but all that's left are bloody stumps. I mentioned this to my discipleship group and we are going to pray through the Lord's prayer together this week.

Today, I am focusing on the beginning of the prayer:

"Our mother in heaven, reveal who you are."

I have reached the point where I feel I need to see her/feel her/hear her or my soul will just disappear forever. Reveal who you are!!

Marital bliss

"I swear, if you don't stop leaving your chapstick in your clothes..."

"Well, if you would just wash the clothes that I put in the hamper instead of assuming that all the clothes I have out are dirty, then you wouldn't have this problem..."

We've had this conversation (yes, the same exact conversation) about 100 times in our relationship. I expect to have it again.

Yeah new yarn!

I have now bought my first yarn for my first "real" projects :) Woo hoo!

I visited Yarns Ewenique after work yesterday intending to go in a purchase the yarns that I need to do a little sweater and hat for Annan. I spent an hour in there just feeling yarns and getting an idea of how the whole things works. On Thursday afternoons/evenings they have a sit-n-knit thing where all these knitters come in and work on their projects and talk etc. There were about 10 women there last night!! And they all looked like they knew what they were doing... so, I can take my work up there and get help on places where I get stuck! And make friends with other women who are all these different ages!! I am so excited! :) And the owners of the store were fabulous... Annemieke (prounounced Anna-meeka) spent alot of time helping me locate good alternative yarns and answered my questions.

Knitting freakin' rocks!!

I got a beautiful 100% merino yarn that is about the color of the green apple in my lunch for a sweet little boat neck sweater, and then I got some eggplant color bamboo wool (50% bamboo, 50% wool) for a hat :). The yarn wasn't exactly cheap, but if all goes well, I spent $23 on the yarn for her sweater and $18 for her hat... not sure how much of the yarn will be left over, but that seems about right for the cost of winter items anyway, but I get to make these!

So, I cast on last night for Annan's first sweater :D It is really a pleasure to work with fine, delicate yummy feeling yarn (especially after the cheap feeling stuff Sheri gave me). There is QUITE a difference, really. They aren't full of crap at all.

I need to get another skein or two of this yarn to finish my scarf project (and do up a matching hat), but I want to finish Annan's stuff first.

On inertia

Have you ever come across someone, either in person, or online who you get the distinct feeling could you be you in the future? It happened to me today, when I checked out a lead on a knitting blog from my Creative Mom podcast. Ann (the host) recommended january one as an excellent blog from a very productive knitter with fantabulous photographs. I, of course, had to check it out immediately.

Not only does this woman share my birthday, but she shares my passion for photography, knitting, philosophy, politics, her husband, her friends, her life. It is just so strange to read a list of things she has put together to describe herself to find myself nodding my head, thinking that, yes, this is me, this could be me, this might be me, in another life, in 10 years, in an alternate universe.

Having found her, I'm wondering what I need to do about it now. I have been feeling inertial lately. Like nothing that I'm doing or intending on doing is going anywhere, but rather, I'm continuing to move forward (or backward, up or down) at the same inertial rate as nothing that I can do can exert any outside force on me. Inertia feels like going nowhere, but I know that, if nothing else, time is moving forward, inevitably advancing, each day closing, glaring at me, daring me to show what I've done today to change.

Not a whole, damn, lot. Nada, zero, zip, zilch. I'm stuck, I'm not doing anything, I'm trapped by bills, my job, my pregnancy, all of it. Stuck in inertia... always reacting, not acting. Stuck. I feel like a fly who's been caught on flypaper and who has given up trying to get free. My energy, my will, my desire is fading quickly. Running across this blog for a woman who is very similar to me, but who seems to be living out her dreams is like a jolt of adrenaline, shocking me into action. If she can do it, so can I. I just need to get off my ass and get back in the game. Stop moping around and do something about it. Start setting tiny goals to measure my progress. Take time to appreciate my progress and to reassess the future. To stop and notice the beauty around me, to treasure my friends, to enjoy the now, the mundane, the ordinary.

If she can do it, so can I.

WTFMFWTFAYT?

So, I know, its been a while since I've posted (again!). BUT, I was listening to a podcast called Quirky Nomads and I heard a song that expresses my thoughts, frustrations, just *grrr* completely.

You can take a listen to it by clicking here (and then clicking on the listen button next to the song).

Yes. It IS therapeutic.

My sister

My sister has recently reemerged into my life. I am so very happy. We were so close as children, then we became teenagers and sort of just lost it. Of course, part of that was me going to a foreign country for a year, then graduating and going off to college, but still, it was really tough to realize that being close as we had been wasn't something that was guaranteed to continue for the rest of our lives. I can remember the day that I realized this so clearly. I'd just come home from my first semester at college for Christmas break; I'd been there for about 4 days or so when Rachel came stomping into my room. She demanded that I go back to college because she was tired of me interrupting her social life. That was harsh. But I withdrew. It wasn't worth the hurt to try.

Fast forward 7 years, and she calls me. She says that she wants to get our relationship back to where it used to be, so we can share our experiences, be close sisters again. Welcome back. And even if we go through periods of closeness and distance, I will always keep the light on for you and a cup of tea warming on the stove. I love you.

Desert Rose

So, I have these two desert roses - lovely suculents, perfect for hot and dry TX, and they were pretty cheap. They have been teasing me now, for about 2 months. When I bought them, I really wasn't sure what to expect. They have a lovely rosette foliage pattern and I thought maybe that was why they were called roses. You can't expect all desert plants to flower, can you? Well, they started growing these arms, which then started sprouting these beautful buds (about two months ago, remember) THAT STILL HAVEN'T OPENED YET!!!!

They've matured, and turned this beautiful, delicate pink, and have even started to open slightly, so that I can get a hint of pistil and stamen, but still no sight of a completely opened, beautiful flower. And it is just driving me nutso. It is insane to have to wait this long to get to see what's waiting in there. Some days, I really just want to help them along. Others, I begin to wonder if something is wrong with my plant and I won't ever get to see the flowers. Or, maybe I'm looking for the blooms at the wrong time of day, maybe they are only open for an hour a day... Or...

This waiting on the flower to open has really become an incredible metaphor of my life right now. I am having to wait on a certain amount of time to pass to be able to find out what's cooking in me. I am expecting. I am preparing. I am slow-cooking. In this era of instant gratification, its funny how being pregnant really just throws that whole notion out the window. You've got to wait at least 9 months to be able to see and to hold what's been inside you for so long. The beautiful thing is, that at every stage of this pregnancy, there is beauty. There are things to enjoy, to love, to muse on. Just like with my desert roses - they are beautiful at every stage, from the non-flower point, the the almost opened buds, there is something so precious, and delicate, but also strong and stubborn that is wonderful to meditate on every day.

I am realizing that I need to enjoy each and every day for what it gives because I will never get it back just like it is today again. What a gift.

Daily Journal

So, this week for fight club, I have to journal something every day. Gah. The point is to help me write down/commemorate the now because I am focusing entirely too much on "what's next". So, here is my attempt at my daily journal.

I have recently taken up knitting. And I love it. No, not just like, LOVE it. I started getting interested in it about a year ago, and Sheri (a friend at work) gave me this giant bag of yarn and a crochet hook and said she would teach me (and then subsequently fell off the face of the planet). So, needless to say, that yarn has sat around in the closet in the guest bedroom for a long time.

Well, when we started cleaning out that room to make space for Annan, I rediscovered my stash. And my desire to knit. So, I emailed all the women at Mosaic to see if any of them knew how to knit. None of them did. So I went to Michael's and bought a how to knit book and kit. And then failed to understand the pictures. Luckily, one of the Mosaic attenders said she knew how to knit (she's a recent HS grad) and that she would LOVE to teach me. And then I found this amazing website with videos showing every step of the process, and suddenly, I'm knitting!

I absolutely love it. There is a logic to the knitting that is very soothing to me. And it is very easy to do (once you figure out how it thinks, of course). There are so many different yarns out there, lots of free patterns, lots of all kinds of stuff. My goodness. I think I've found a hobby. :)

My first completed project was a sock for my ipod. I got tired of it getting all dinged up in my bag. All I need now to complete it is a button to keep the flap closed :) I also started on some baby booties, and actually finished one (and promptly lost one of my US8 needles - DOH!), so I've got to wait until I get a new set of 8s to finish that one. I'm also working on a delightfully chunky scarf - YUM! I'll need to get more yarn in order to be able to finish this project, but still, it is so exciting to see something useful come out of all this.

So, this is where I am today. Loving knitting. Loving creating.

Thoughts on Anti-americanism

This is a discussion board post, but thought I'd put it here as well because I think it accurately reflects why I can be so critical of our nation, not just the policy makers. Anyway, here is my post.

Quoted from another post:

But I get tired of hearing about America being a big bad imperialistic, selfish capitalistic nation. If anyone doesn't want us to be that - then DON'T be that! The country is what it's people are.

Criticize the policies. Criticize the President. But to use statements like American Imperialism (when we all were taught how EVIL imperialism was and is) is to make a really negative comment about our country in general - not this administration.

If we take a good look at our country's policies, you begin to notice a trend - imperialism. And imperialism has been the foundation for our policies since our country was founded. Just look at how we handled the conquest of the American continent. And our policies in interacting with our neighbors, and oil producing companies, and developing countries. While the imperialism isn't one of annexing those nations to the US, it is more one of making them adhere to policies that benefit the US at their own cost.

Does this make the US evil? That's something you have to decide for yourself. Do I think our policies are consistent with our supposed ethic of democracy, liberty and equality for all? Absolutely not. Now, as you know, consistency is one of the most important things to me. All I personally want is for the American people to recognize that our policies, while contributing nicely to our high standard of living, do not promote the same high standards around the world, and, in fact, tend to squash local movements that are heading in that direction.

Now, if Americans are fine with it, then I need to figure out how I feel about living in a country that does things that I completely disagree with. However, and I might be incredibly naive, I believe that Americans, if they were shown the truth of other's situations around the world, then we as a country would have a change of heart.

In his book, On the Justice of Roosting Chickens, Ward Churchill argues that Americans already have the tools they need to know the truth of the situation, we just choose to bury our heads in the sand and pretend to not be aware of it. He argues that all adverse actions that we are experiencing today are deserved and should be met not with violence, but with sincere attempts to make amends.

I'm not sure I agree with him completely, but he does have a point. It seems that Americans would rather not know where their products/energy/etc come from so long as it is cheap and accessible. I do think this is changing. Slowly. But changing, nonetheless. But change never would have happened if people didn't speak up and force others to look at the way things really are. Change doesn't happen if you don't get out of your comfortable place and go see, truly see, what is going on in the slums, the ghettos, the orphanages, the hospitals, the nursing homes, the third world. It won't happen if you don't acknowledge your part in maintaining the status quo that keeps them there. And it won't happen if you go back to your cozy home and forget about what you saw and felt.

One of my favorite (well favorite is not exactly the right word) parts of the spanish mass is when the priest is walking the congregation through Jesus' death. He talks about Jesus' suffering on the cross and the congregation repeats "Por mi culpa, por mi culpa, por mi culpa" while pointing their finger at themselves. Por mi culpa best translates "for my fault", "all my fault", or "the blame is mine". This is the part of the mass where the congregation accepts the blame for Jesus' death.

It connected me in ways that I had never experienced to Jesus death and suffering. I fet compelled to do that when I saw the Passion of the Christ as well. It has become a sort of mantra for me when I am faced with suffering and injustice. I look at it and say "por mi culpa" and really look and see where I am to blame. Now, this can be overwhelming and can weigh you down if you accept the blame for the world's problems. But, if you take an honest, realistic look at how your actions contribute to the problem, you are able to then decide how to change the situation starting with you. And instead of sitting around talking about it, you have started to change your own habits. You are now starting to live your life conscientiously instead of living just because that's what they tell you to do.

And when you start to do that, you want other people to join you in this. So you talk about it. You bring things up. You want to do whatever it takes to open their eyes to the truth, because you realize that you can't change the world yourself you need others to help you. And here I stand bringing up the issue of American imperialism because I can see how my living (and especially buying) habits are contributing to the problem. So, yes, it IS a negative comment about our country. But I am doing everything I can to change it.

My sadness

My sadness looks like me being all alone in a huge building and I can't find my way out. Everyone has left me, no one cares that I'm lost in the ugly building, I can't connect with the fresh air, the sun, the stars, the greenness of it all. It is cold. All I can think about is how damn cold it is and how no one is even looking for me. I've been wandering around trying to find the door that goes outside for hours, days, months and I'm feeling like this is what my life is going to be for the rest of my days. Opening doors, solving puzzles, only to find myself more stuck in the cold, dingy labyrinth. I call people, email them, seek them out for conversations and then find that I can't speak to them about it. It is as if the me that is stuck is shouting out for someone to hear, but the me in RL is incapable of voicing that need. I want them to notice something is wrong, something is different, so I can deny it, so I can throw up more walls to trap myself in. What would they do if they knew? Ignore it? Use it against me? Hate me for my weakness?

How did I get here? I'm here because I let someone lead me in here. I trusted them and they let me down. I called for help and they just said "oh", or didn't even respond at all. I put out my flowers for them to enjoy and be blessed and they ripped everyone from me and didn't even say thank you. I am here because I have failed. It might be a big failure, it might be a small one. I didn’t meet that goal that I set, I'm not doing what I thought I would be doing, I want so much more out of life, but here I am slaving away for what? I'm wasting myself, my education, my passions on stupid stuff and... I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP. Or don't want to go to the effort of trying it. I might fail, I might not be able to be the best, I MIGHT... and I run into another room, without any windows and only more doors to things I don't want to think about. LET ME OUT! I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS, I DIDN'T...

I feel it in my chest. It feels like huge rocks are dragging me down, keeping me from being able to draw a full breath. I feel trapped, held back, jailed. It feels like I am on the train tracks and I can hear the train rushing at me. "That is the sound of inevitability, Mr. Anderson." And there is not a damn thing I can do about it. I feel like I've been here over and over and over again, but this time, I've gotten myself so stuck, so deep into the matrix, I can't find my way out. Why should I even try to get out? I'll only find that more rocks have piled themselves onto my chest, more ropes are keeping me from running, the room is getting smaller.

And yet, somehow, I find myself in the sunshine. How did I get here? What happened to my loneliness, my failures? They have dissolved around me, one fragment at a time. When I find myself in the smallest, most confined space, I begin picking away at the filaments that make up the walls around me. I find a chip in the wall and start prying away. I find a string, in the tangled mass that enslaves me that I can pull completely out of the mess and set it aside. I examine that thing that has wounded me, enslaved me, and I can see that it serves a purpose. It makes up who I am. I am the one who has used it in the wrong way, this can be used for a blanket not a web. And I can see a little bit of light, I can feel a warm breeze on my finger, I can breathe a little bit easier. And now I can pull another string out of the mess, take a bigger chunk out of that wall, examine it for what it is... sharp and ugly, but useful, in some weird way, and I add it to the growing pile of useful bits of my life. I start to realize that I can take all these raw materials here and start building a dream, my life. This is BEAUTIFUL, not cold, ugly, and restraining. I can start to see patterns in the wreck around me, and the chaos that has been drowning me suddenly becomes ordered and useful. My prison has dissolved into nothing around me. I never even had to move to get out.

My pile of useful bits doesn't always make it into my new blanket, my new arbor. If I leave them too long, wasting away in a corner of my life, they start to form walls around me. It happens so subtly, I don't even notice that I can only see three sides around me, then two, then one, then none. And the cycle begins again. Will I have the strength to stop panicking and start to look for the one crack, the loose string? Will I be able to pull it out? Can I bring myself to look at that lonely ugly piece and examine it closely to find that beauty in it? Will I be able to find a way to integrate it into the blanket of my life? Or will I sit, curled up into a ball on the floor of my cold, cell beating against the cement walls of my prison, hoping, praying that someone will come along to give me a pickaxe to help me demolish this beast?

Netflix Usage

I found this interesting article thanks to Clever WoT on Netflix user's viewing habits.

The article claims that high brow movies tend to catch dust, while low brow movies are watched and then quickly returned. Sad, but typical, I'd say. There's a reason why Blockbuster doesn't stock too many copies of documentaries and indie flicks. People just don't care to spend their entertainment time on thought-provoking or depressing movies.

I like to think that our queue reflects a more balanced approach to watching movies. We currently have 140 movies on our active queue, with the following breakdown:
Drama 21.43%
Documentary 15.71%
Comedy 12.86%
Television 12.86%
Foreign 11.43%
Romance 5.71%
Thrillers 5.71%
Action & Adventure 2.86%
Anime & Animation 2.86%
Sci-Fi & Fantasy 2.86%
Children & Family 2.14%
Independent 1.43%
Music & Musicals 1.43%
Horror 0.71%

And we typically watch at least 3 movies a week. I am glad for the extensive Netflix library. We have been able to watch movies that are hard to find in a typical movie rental place. We've been able to watch several great TV shows and have pretty good access to new releases. We've watched 282 movies since we joined in February 2004. At about $1.98 per movie, I'd say we could have done worse things with our money :)

Wasting time at work

According to Salary.com, "Time wasted by employees at work is down from 2005, but it is still costing companies billions in 2006. According to the 2nd annual survey by America Online and Salary.com, the average worker admits to squandering 1.86 hours per 8-hour workday, not including lunch and scheduled break-time, which is down from 2.09 hours in 2005. As a matter of practice, companies assume a certain amount of wasted time when determining employee pay. However, the 2nd installment of the survey indicates that employees are continuing to waste about twice as much time as their employers expect. Salary.com calculates that employers spend $544 billion per year on salaries for which real work is expected, but none is done."

I wonder what those wasteful employee workloads look like. Are they getting their jobs done in less time? From my personal experience, I waste a WHOLE lot less time if I have something to do with my time that is work related. My boss knows I'm caught up; I've asked him for more work, but I haven't recieved those new assignments yet... you do what you gotta do. I'd go home if I were allowed.

Interestingly, of the employees who admitted to wasting time, they said that they spent 52% of their wasted time on the internet.

Deep Friendships

I found this post in an interesting blog on the philosophy of friendship:

"The American Sociological Review has published research which shows that the average American has only two close friends, and that a quarter don’t have anyone at all.

The study compared data from 1985 and 2004 and found that the mean number of people with whom Americans can discuss matters important to them dropped by nearly one-third, from 2.94 people in 1985 to 2.08 in 2004.

Researchers also found that the number of people who said they had no one with whom to discuss such matters more than doubled, to nearly 25 percent. The survey found that both family and non-family confidants dropped, with the loss greatest in non-family connections."

How incredibly sad. And yet, prior to Mosaic, I would have said that I had no one (outside of my husband) with whom I could discuss deep and personal things. Part of this was finding others who were interested in hearing about the things I cared about. After college, I found myself in a desert without people who cared to go very deep on hardly anything. Even Jason forbade me from discussing politics more often than not. And when I attempted to discuss things (politics, the environment, etc.) the conversations were typically short and one-sided.

At Mosaic, there is a community of individuals who seeks to go deeper, who seeks to live a consistent life, who love to seek out the holes in things and work on them. I'm not saying that every person at Mosaic is interested in all of these things, but there are many there who are. I can say that I have at least 6 or 7 people with whom I would say are very close friends. I am fortunate, it seems, to be able to count on so many individuals with whom I can share my hopes, dreams and fears and who can do the same for me. Fortunate indeed.

On the Journey to Motherhood

One of the reasons that pregnancy takes so long, and believe me, when you are the one who is pregnant, these 9 months seem like forever, is so that the host/woman/mother-to-be can transform herself from a woman/girl/young adult into a mother. I am 5 or 6 weeks away from the midway point of my journey and I have become aware that as I am walking, I am changing.

The first, most obvious change was that I suddenly became intensely interested in all things child-birth and early child rearing related. This from a person who would avoid, avoid, avoid all things baby like it was the plague. Not only did I find myself wanting to know about these things, I have strangely not been able to get enough of that information. Still, after 3 months of searching, reading, collecting, musing, I'm still hungry for more.

I am paying attention to my body more than ever before. If I am hungry, I eat as quickly as possible. If I want something specific, then I try to find it and eat it. I drink when I'm thirsty and sleep when I'm tired. I use the bathroom at the first sign of discomfort. I have been paying more attention to how my muscles and bones feel than I ever have before. For the first time in my life, I feel completely in tune with my body and her needs. And it is wonderful. I think I finally understand what my mom meant when she said she enjoyed being pregnant. I feel fabulous. For the first time in my life, I am less focused on what I look like and more into what I feel like. It is an amazing transformation in relatively little time. I cannot wait to see what the next 5 months bring.

Emotionally, I am beginning to withdraw from my own family. Strangely, I am feeling more capable and desirous of handling this child on my own and with my community here. When I first found out that we were going to add a member to our little family, I was incredibly jealous of other women who's family is near enough to help. Of family who cared enough to take time off to come help, to be there for you. I can't say how sad I was that my family was so far away and/or doesn't seem to care to take time out of their busy schedules to come visit. Granted, I'm not dropping work or my schedule to go see them every free moment I get either, but, honestly comparing my family to others left mine lacking alot. Not to say that my family isn't great. After all, I was the one who chose to live all the way out here in TX, but there are times where I feel incredibly abandoned and unloved by my family.

However, my wishing my family lived closer ended with our trip to MO this 4th of July. It wasn't that there was a huge blowout or anything, but I suddenly realized that the reason that I live 1400 miles away from them is because I don't NEED them. Strangely, I think our relationship is better if it is long-distance. I don't have to deal with the step-siblings, or the step-dad, or the shy dogs, or rules that I don't know are there until I've broken them. I get to call and chat, and then hang up and deal with my own things, boundaries that I've made, friendships I've developed. I think, finally, I have grown up. It has taken 8 years of me distancing myself, going to new places, meeting new people, developing my passions and interests to realize that my family is best kept in MD and me in TX. That is why I never even considered living in MD as an adult. It wasn't even an option when we were looking at our options at the end of college. Separation, at least for me, is what I needed to be able to find my self-identity. I need separation from my family in order to preserve my sanity.

Somehow, carrying this child has helped me realize this. I think this child is helping me to concentrate on who I am. On how I will integrate caring for this little one into my life, my passions, my loves. I am beginning to love her/him already and I cannot wait to feel them moving. I can't wait to not be able to hide that I am pregnant, I can't wait to see them moving on the ultrasound. I can't wait to hold this one in my arms and cuddle. To answer questions, to get to watch her/him learning everything for the first time. I cannot wait to be amazed.

Chalkboard

Dear my blog, it has been too, too long. I have so many posts swirling around in my head that need to be written, but I'm *strangely* being unusually focused at work (but not so much that I am not posting this now :) )

For now, this post will serve as a chalkboard for some of the things I am working on so I don't forget, or leave it behind me. These things need to be given a place. So, for future posting (or past posting perhaps:

Book Review: Guns, Germs & Steel

Book Review: The Revolution: a Field Manual for Changing Your World

Respond to this post on (un)Veilings

Your daily quiz dose

Took this quiz, courtesy of Amy. The results were interesting. Not so much in what came out (that I am an analyzer) but in the description of me. I think the results describe me a bit too well...

Anyway, without further ado, here are the results:

General Description
As an Analyzer, you tend to seek perfect outcomes in all of your plans and projects. In many situations, you “take things apart” in your mind and think about ways to do them better. You excel at this kind of mental examination, but you may tend to see family and friends as “projects,” rather than as people.

Typical Areas of Strength
Analyzers, like you, tend to be analytical, logical, direct, confident, and they like new challenges. They excel at seeing the larger vision, creating efficient methods and procedures, and listening carefully for the facts.

Typical Areas of Struggle
Due to your tendency to focus on tasks, you sometimes show a lack of sensitivity to the feelings of family members and friends. When you are sharply focused on a task, you may come across as being overly critical, judgmental, blunt, or impatient with others.

Your Preferred Activities
To maximize your talents, you look for situations in which you can offer logical solutions to complex challenges, and you evaluate and make the necessary changes to assure the desired outcome.

Your Communication Style
You tend to provide insights and direction by teaching, managing, clarifying, and advising.

Morea Bicolor

This is the next plant that I will purchase. It is gorgeous. I googled it to see how practical it would be for my garden, and much to my pleasant surprise, I found the following info (courtesy Sunny Gardens):

Dietes bicolor
(Fortnight Lily, Bicolor Iris, Morea Bicolor)

Though its distinctive flowers last only a day, the African Iris flowers often in mild, warm winter climates. Also called the Fortnight Lily because blooms open in 2-week batches. Flowers are white or yellow and their dark markings have colorful orange or yellow highlights. Leaves are sword shaped and eventually form sizable clumps. Drought-tolerant once established, but bloom more when watered. Attractive near water or along dry stream beds in Japanese gardens. Remove seed pods as they form to encourage flowering and prevent volunteer plants from starting. Sold as container stock. Divide infrequently, in fall or winter.

Plant Type: Perennial
Bloom Season: Early Spring through Early Winter
Flower Color: Yellow
Foliage: Evergreen
Height: 2 ft. to 3 ft.
Width: 5 ft.
Sunlight: Full Sun, Partial Sun
Climate: Zones 8, 9, 10, 11

Sounds PERFECT for what we are wanting to do with the backyard!! AND, it is drought tolerant, a must have anything that is to survive in Hannah's garden. WOO HOO!

Style-vision

Innovation Mood Major Mood: Innovation Minor Mood: Perfection You are in an independent, sceptical, analytical, leading and intellectually curious mood. Life as a chessboard Your approach to life in this mood is much like a chess player. You're always seeking strategies that have a high payoff and devising ulterior plans in case of error or adversity. And like a good chess player, you dedicate yourself to studying the game; your goal is to obtain as much knowledge as possible and this drive makes you a winner! You approach people quite the same way, acting socially cautious and reserved until you know them well. Then you are quite committed and serious about those whom with you surround yourself. A constant quest to improve life around you In this mood, messiness and disorganization is intolerable. In fact you don't like anything that's muddled or unclear. And why would you? Efficiency is your middle name. You focus on the big picture, so your ambition compels you to try and improve everything around you.

Some things never change Like your clothes! They aren't usually very striking, but they're of high quality so they last a long time. Grabbing attention is not your thing in this mood, so you tend to stick to the classics. It wouldn't be unusual for you to adopt some sort of uniform outfit that allowed you both comfort and efficiency. When it comes to food and drink, you gravitate towards high quality but if you're absorbed in something interesting, food and drink lose all appeal. Caught in a brainstorm No useful idea is too far-fetched for you in this mood. You are a natural at brainstorming, always aggressively seeking new concepts. When a subject arises that you are indifferent about, you choose to stay silent rather than give an opinion. You value your thoughts too much to talk just to talk. Your keywords: no limit, pure, vintage, orderly Stress: You are balanced with no major signs of stress, well done! www.moodcheck.com

Cyndy

I got an email from Cyndy today. What a huge surprise! Especially after how I feel like we hurt them, and ran their hearts and emotions through the dirt. In addition, I have been called onto the carpet (at Fight Club) for not being real enough with people. For dodging the issues at hand, for avoiding difficult conversations, for running away rather than dealing with it. And here, in my inbox, is an email from a woman who I love dearly, but who I thought I would never get to talk to again. Amazing. Sometimes, it is very easy to see God put little relationship challenges and reminders that, "yes, I do need you to work on this area, Hannah." I think this week is an easy time to see God pursuing me again.

That doesn't mean that I am looking forward to the difficult conversations that I have been told by my sisters that I need to have with people. In fact, I am dreading all of them. I need to figure out how to tell a dear friend the level of upsetness that I am feeling and explain the wound that was poked recently. It didn't do me any good when I told my sisters that I know I'm being irrational and selfish and that her reasons were perfectly above-board and reasonable. Their explanation was that my feelings and wound are just as important as rational thought in this instance and if I don't address it now, it will only get worse over time. My thought that I don't want to lose a friendship over this is irrelevant because if I DON'T fix it, it could very well be the death knell for it anyway.

They speak truly. Too often I have watched myself withdraw from the hurt rather than address it and lose that relationship anyway. But, damn this is hard!!

Yesterday, Amy posted this in her blog: "[Jesus] never talked vague, idealistic gas. When He said, 'Be perfect,' He meant it. He meant that we must go in for the full treatment. It is hard; but the sort of compromise we are all hankering after is harder -- in fact, it is impossible. It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad." This speaks to me so much. I am realizing that I want to experience God and to change the world, but I don't want to have to go through the hard part of changing to get there. But, as CS Lewis so wisely wrote, an egg definitely can't learn to fly. It has to go through the long, hard, dangerous journey of turning into a bird, of growing the feathers and the wings before it can take its first leap. I am done being an egg. But now I have to go through my transformation so that I can enjoy the beauty of being with God, of doing her purpose. And right now, for me, that transformation involves having two very difficult, painful conversations. I'm chipping away at my egg.

My sin

So, in good, characteristic fashion, I am doing my fight club homework at the last minute (yes, it is 4:30...), here are my reflections on my pet sin... (cut from a chat I had the other day with my brother-in-law... hope he doesn't mind)

Our convo started off talking about spiritual warfare: "I think some of it is ppl just imagining stuff, exaggerating for attention type thing but then I can't discount other experiences... I really don't know... I tell you, after watching the exorcism of emily rose, I'm not really sure what is possible... I guess it depends on teh source of the "report of warfare" if you will... source skepticism". Then he had some questions about people believing that any adverse reaction is "from Satan" is a belief that is spreading in the US. My response was that I didn't think it was spreading, just prevalent in certain faith groups.

I can tell you that I do not believe that God kills people because they "reject" him either seriously or not. God did not send Hurricane Katrina to New Orleans to punish that city for its sins or anything else. We do this shit to ourselves. If God really did kill people for denying him, I'd definitely be dead too. I've done my own share of denying and nay-saying and hate language. And what about Jonah? That man did everything he could to go against god, but he wasn't killed. I think it makes people feel better to say that god did this or that, so that they don’t have to take responsibility for their own actions (or inaction). But, that doesn't mean that there can't be adverse action going on in the spiritual realm. There is a verse in Peter that talks about the devil walking about as a roaring lion seeking who he can eat up. More often than not, though, we are our own devil; we eat ourselves up.

It is amazing what we do to ourselves to try to "fix" things, or to cope. My own pet deadly is envy. I am quite envious when it comes down to it... My favorite incarnation of it is rejoicing when others take a dive ala our current president isn't enjoying the best time right now and I'm happy about it. Or my friend from college, who started dental school but then couldn't stick it out – I was glad because I didn't want her to have more education than me. Sorry, sorry stuff. I didn't even know that was an instance of envy at all. I thought it was justified rejoicing. But I have learned that we ought never to rejoice when others are suffering, no matter how we feel we have been wronged or they deserve it. Honestly, how often have we deserved to suffer and haven't? Or when we are suffering wish that others would help us in our suffering instead of saying "I told you so".

Envy's problem is judging others as less than yourself so you don't have to treat them as equals in love, or life, or anything really. Envy says, “I deserve this, they don't” or “they totally deserve that huge failure, but I don't”. Jealousy is a type of envy, but envy involves some sort of wish for something bad to happen to the person who has what you want. I think about jealousy in terms of love relationships rather than say, among women. For example, I can say I am jealous of that woman's body, but I'm really envying her that body and wishing she would get really fat. Actually, I learned that these things can be good in the right context. We just usually tend to use them way outside their healthy bounds and then get addicted to it as a coping method.

What is my coping plan? I need to learn to love people where they are at. I need to be content with my life, here and now. I need to rejoice in what I have been given, good or bad, and keep my eyes not on others, but on the one above. And when I am tempted to rejoice in other's falls, I need to put myself in their shoes and react accordingly.

Sounds easy enough, but I know it is quite difficult to implement. I need someone to help me stick to it and to call me on it when I don't.

Hot

It is so HOT in here today. They tested the fire alarms at about 10AM today, and apparently, any time the alarms go off, the AC shuts down. Of course, no one in building management thought to prepare for this eventuality today, so, right now, at 1:38PM, it is probably in the low 90s in here. On top of that, I wore a shirt today that I have to wear a jacket with in order to comply with company dress code. I am miserably hot. I've already caught myself just staring at the screen for at least 5 minutes, doing nothing, just staring. Wow. How did we ever function without air conditioners?

DDT vs. Malaria: My Response

My initial response is that there seems to be very much a one-sided thing on DDT. However, I don't know for sure, but I will definitely look into it.

From my own personal stance, the chemical approach to any problem is not the answer, ever. It is a temporary fix. In the case of DDT, even if DDT were as harmless to other creatures except mosquitoes as water, it would have to be applied over and over and over and over again consistently in order to ensure that the mosquitoes were completely eradicated. Without consistent application, the odds are that the mosquitoes would then develop into a super mosquito who is DDT resistant. And we're back to square one. I am convinced that the solution needs to be more holistic in its approach. It needs to address the conditions that allow malaria to be so devastating such as nutrition, clean water, secure shelters, etc. Vaccines and treatment medications need to be developed that are affordable and available. People need to be educated on how to avoid ideal mosquito breeding locations and situations, etc.

Anyway, I am not attacking you, nor the validity of us needing to take action to stop this persecution and injustice NOW. I am just SO concerned with the "typical western approach" which has traditionally been to put a band-aid on it and it will be all better instead of addressing the problem from a culturally-relevant, sustainable (not dependent on outside funding, but driven by the affected ppl themselves) perspective. I firmly believe that only when we approach these problems in this way, we will not continue to have to address the oopsies of applying a western solution to a non-western situation.

DDT vs. Malaria: The Email

This morning, I rec'd a very long, detailed email rant from my good friend Jenne Ramsey. Granted, only part of this email even focused on DDT and malaria, but it got my goat enough that I feel obliged to post and ruminate on it here. So, without further ado, here is the email segment from Jenne:

"The most deadly forces of the present era are rampantly victimizing innocent lives in Africa today. They have been given the power to kill more people every year, approximately 50 million or one life every 12 seconds. Having been defeated in the West decades ago they form an army that covers multiple countries in Africa. And they are on a constant killing mission causing more deaths than any of the atrocities cited above. For the price of about $1.44 per household they could be stopped in their tracks. But instead of providing the very weapons to the African people that we used to defeat them, we have chosen to let children die under the assumptions of false conclusions that were made by poor environment science years ago.

The DDT scandal that plagues Africa kills more people today than any other deadly force in Africa. Again, it goes largely unreported. However, the death toll rises continually as these little graphics show. In this case, the silence is not the fault of one journalist but many. It's simply not politically correct to argue for the use of something that Greenpeace opposes. Even if does so on the grounds of false science.

I am actually surprised that DDT hasn't hit the circuits of the Evangelical megavoiced churches today. In reality, it would be a great weapon against the democrats in the upcoming election. We all know that right wing conservatives aren't known for their focus on Environmental friendly legislation and it would be a relatively simple thing to add people dying senseless deaths in Africa to our more pressing issues of homosexuality and abortion in this country. However, this seems to be one example of a successful smear campaign for environmentalists.

The right wing hasn't chosen to make the children of Africa its pawn in this battle, but the environmentalist camp has. The banning of DDT represents a pinnacle of victory for radical environmentalism. Based upon research conclusions that may have been considered valid at the time, the ban on DDT is a banner by which environmental groups claim to have impact. But this impact comes from false assumptions, invalidated research, and most tragically, at the cost of 50 million lives per year.

So what do we do? Or, at least, What do I do? Does all of this mean that we shouldn't talk on cell phones? Does this nullify the work many of us are part of through organizations like the World Affairs Council? Does being against the ban on DDT make us unfaithful stewards of God's environment? I would say no.

But I also would say that the time has come for some of these things to enter the voice of Christianity in America. To me part of being a Christian is becoming a voice for the voiceless. Part of being an educated Christian in country of privilege is becoming aware of complex issues. I don't have to use a cell phone company that purchases Colton from Congan rebels if I take a few minutes to do some homework. I can participate in recycling efforts, and earth day and whatever other environmental causes come my way but while I am discussing the use of hybrid automobiles with my friends, I might also ask them to rethink this DDT issue.

I can even go a step further and pay more attention to reports on these issues. I can set up Google searches to keep myself current. And, I can pass that information on. I can even write brief emails and letters to those in power who claim to represent me on these matters and I can encourage others to do the same.

As I move out of ignorance on the inconvenient deaths that surround my world, I can begin talking. I can begin educating. I can look for ways to make the cries of the voiceless heard. As I do so, and as I encourage others to do the same, I can do one more thing. I can pray. And, with the knowledge I glean from research I find specific issues to pray about. I am praying about malaria in Africa and DDT right now. But I am not going to stop there, if I know, I can tell. I don't want to look back on things like Dar Fur or this health crisis and say that I chose silence.

My hope is that I can be part of a generation of Christians that looks beyond the current rhetoric of our era. I want to be connected to Christians around the world and in my fellowship I want to begin to look at what can be done to help those suffering needlessly around the world.

No I don't think that we will solve everything. We do live on a fallen planet after all. But I can't believe that when I pray "Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, On Earth as it is in Heaven" that this could possibly mean that Kingdom of Christ can turn a deaf ear in silence. I somehow don't think that advancing God's Kingdom is limited to building more church palaces or eradicating homosexuality in my culture. I think perhaps, this revolution of love that Jesus seems to call us to, may begin with refusing to silence. If I hear him saying anything to me I hear him calling me out of silence. To me it's the first step of taking action. Solutions of any kind can't be found if I chose to basque in ignorance and then turn my head in silent denial while I know that the bloodcries of the innocent are reaching the ears of God as they die needlessly. Someday, I will share a heavenly home with these people and I can't bear to look at them and say I said nothing."

The condition of my heart

The question for this week's fight club is: what is the condition of my heart. (Have I gotten anything out of fight club?)

Where does my heart stand? Where am I right now? Am I moving forward or backward. Am I standing still? Am I resting or hurrying everywhere?

I am allowing myself to be tossed about by the winds of life. I am not being intentional with my time, my thoughts, my relationships. I am just drifting. Being fair to myself, I am going through a major life transition, from married woman, to married woman with a child and I have yet to settle on how that is going to change, what needs to change, why things need to change, my peace with the change. And yet, I am restless. I feel like I am not doing what I need to be doing. I am not even starting towards working at what I need to be doing. But then, I don't even know what I need to be doing. I put alot of pressure on myself to be strong, to be right, to be in charge, to do it myself. I know that I cannot continue to do this, but I am not happy that I can't. I have not made peace with the fact that I am going to have a child, but I don't know how to make peace with that. I have not made peace with the fact that I will probably not be able to be an exclusively stay at home mom. Would I be willing to take on all the financial responsibility so that Jason could stay home? I don't know. I am terrified at what we are to face in the next year. I am burying my head in the sand because I don't want to think about it. I have not finished a book since I started fight club. I have not had a regular time of soul enriching. I have not had a regular time to sit and reflect. I still don't exercise regularly (although I DO have a gym membership at least). I don't even journal regularly. I don't hold myself accountable when I don't meet goals that I have set for myself. I have not sought out an accountability partner to help me stay on track. I have let these days slip past without doing anything significant for the kingdom.

And yet, it is not all bad. I have planted and am tending two beautiful gardens. I have consistently taken the time to research and write a blurb for our newsletter. I have planned and taught a few spanish lessons. I have started reading several very intense books. I have a deeper understanding of who I am and how I can impact the kingdom. I have an intense desire for spiritual things that I did not have before fight club. I have made several very deep friendships with women whom I probably wouldn't have in the normal course of events. I appreciate the value that solid relationships with other women in the same and different stages of life bring to my life. I cherish our community. I have confronted and started dealing with my relationship with food. I have seen that scripture is an instrument for change, not control. I have learned that God can be a woman too. I have learned to ask God what she thinks about what I'm doing, and to seek Her for comfort when things blow up around me. I have learned to see God in the beauty around me. I am learning that I am precious and loved. I am trying to be Jesus to my coworkers, focusing less on "being professional" and more on showing love ot those around me. I have invited several people to Mosaic, to my house, out to coffee, to hang out and to get to know them better. All of this, directly as a result of fight club.

Am I where I want to be? Not at all, but I have made some strides forward in these last few months. I have definitely been given the tools to continue to move forward in the next stage of my life. Now, more than ever, I feel as if I really am surrounded by a cloud of supporters who are cheering me on, holding my hand, helping me walk as I journey through this life. Thank you.

Beauty

Last night we got into a discussion about sex and the difference between the sexes as it relates to sex. One of the things came up was that a woman needs to feel beautiful in order to be able to sleep with a man. She needs to feel that the man sees her as beautiful and desirable in order to be able to "give it up".

I have discovered that most women struggle with some sort of body image issues. Every woman that I have spoken to about this has had problems. She might be the most beautiful woman you know, but she feels ugly and undesirable. She might struggle with weight (or just think she does) and she thinks she is ugly and undesirable. Women of all shapes and sizes, both accepted by society and ridiculed by society, have body image issues.

We do not see ourselves as beautiful. We are taught by other women that this is the way things ought to be. We are taught to not be satisfied with who God made us to be. We are taught to be feel ugly when pregnancy changes the way our body looks... even though our bodies are made to have children. It is almost like a weird, false humility. If I tell myself I am not beautiful, then at least I am not being proud. The men in our lives reinforce this teaching. They are visual creatures. We know they are looking at us and raking our assets. We know that they won't be interested if they don't find us attractive. When men tell us we are beautiful, we try to figure out what about me does he find beautiful. Then when whatever we thought was the reason he thought we were beautiful changes (ie. he likes me because I am skinny, but now I've gained 20 pounds), we again feel that we are not beautiful nor desired. Even if the man is still around who told us we were beautiful before, we feel that he is just being patronizing. He is biased, or just saying that... he doesn't really believe it.

We allow others' opinion of beauty to affect the effectiveness of our lives. We feel beautiful: we go out, we take on difficult projects, we are more assertive, we are more successful. We feel ugly: we stay home, we just do the minimum, we are passive, we don't get that promotion. Why do we let others have this much control over our lives? "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" holds hope for women. Beauty is whatever you decide is beautiful. If one person doesn't find you beautiful, someone else will. If you believe yourself to be beautiful, you are. You behold yourself and say, this is beauty. I imagine that men (and other women) would find a woman irresistibly attractive if she just knew she was beautiful. If she really believed it (and wasn't just saying it get attention).

How do we teach this to women? How do I teach this to myself? How can I teach my daughter? This goes past positive affirmations, sayings, rituals. This says, "I am beautiful no matter what. I am desirable, I am loved. And I believe it."

3 years

Today is the 3rd anniversary of our marriage. The last one we will enjoy just us two for a very long time. Next year, we will have a four (or a five - not sure how they measure these things) month old. How insane is that? :)

I am so glad that I married Jason. He is a good, sweet, considerate, loving man. I couldn't have found anyone else who could have been as good for me. The amazing part is that our marriage just seems to be getting better. I really do love him more now than on the day I married him. The hard times we have just serve to make the good times that much better and deeper.

Thank you for 3 (7) years of the best time of my life. I love you!

Deciding

We decided to stay.

All that turmoil, conflict, soul searching ended up with us deciding to stay here in Texas, to walk with our community as we bring a child into the world. It was a very difficult decision. I thought I was never going to be able to stop crying. We stayed here because of me. I didn't want to move to RVCC. There were too many unknowns, but I would have gone if they had offered enough money to give me options, or if Jason had been able to tell me he believed this was the right thing to do for our family. Neither happened, so I told Jason that I didn't want to go. I didn't threaten him or give him an ultimatum. I told him I would follow him if he went, but that I wanted to know that he WANTED this, that he believed in it enough for the both of us.

He was honest with me, told me that he felt like it would be fine for us to stay or go and that if I felt so strongly about going then we needed to stay. Even though his job here is not ideal. Even though moving up to RVCC would have allowed him to work with Rodney, in a church where there are many options. He turned down all of that for me. I am humbled and amazed. I love this man.

Why

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Review et al

Well, the review went better than expected. I got a pretty good raise, lots of great opportunities in the next year or so, so that is GREAT. I told Mike that I was pregnant and he was abit taken a back, but he was ok with it. He is definitely willing to let me work from home when the time comes, although he is less willing for me to work far away as my new responsibilities will involve me being here to observe processes, attend meetings, etc. All in all though, I am glad to know that I have options in case RVCC doesn't work out.

Jason spoke with the insurance guy and their insurance sounds amazing. It covers everything and the most out of pocket costs we would have would be $500... not too shabby considering we are trying to sock as much money as possible for after baby... that would leave alot more money in the emergency fund after birth for other emergencies, so that's nice :)

We talk to Mark tonight to find out what their side on all of this is. Then our decision needs to go in to RVCC by EOD tomorrow, so this is all going to be over in just a few short hours *hallelujah!* So, it is a good day. I am happy with the way our options are panning out, if we work it right, this will be a win-win situation... woo hoo!! :)

Updates

We still haven't seen the actual package for what they are going to offer us to come up there. Jason told them we'd have a decision to them by Wednesday, but I was hoping we'd be able to get some dedicated time out this weekend to analyze and look at our options. It doesn't seem that will happen now. We don't have practice on Tuesday, but I think I might be having coffee with Merica then, so that kind of takes that out.

We did look at our mortgage yesterday and it is fully transferrable so long as the candidates are credit approved by the lender. I cannot believe that we are seriously considering moving. It just goes to show you that as soon as you think you are committing and settling down somewhere God has other ideas in mind. At least whichever way we decide, we will know that we are going to be a bit more permanent. No more of this well we never planned on staying here anyway stuff.

But I also want to say that I am very excited about the opportunities up in Rockford. This church is growing and they are actively seeking to engage their community. They WANT us to bring everything we have learned at Mosaic to help them reach their community better. They WANT us to bring fresh ideas to the table, new ways of doing things, new ways of talking about God and life as a Jesus-lover. Moving up to Rockford wouldn't be a bad thing. It really wouldn't. I'm pretty sure we would be well taken care of and loved.

But I will miss the family we have made here, the community, the friends, the sisters. We will still be involved as much as we can across the distance, especially since Mosaic is such a community online, that really shouldn't be too difficult. But I will miss the face-to-face, the coffee, the conversations, Panther City Coffee... I will miss Amy so much, I can't bear the thought of leaving her. I do know that we will still be friends and will probably work to see each other as much as possible... oh, I can't think about that right now.

Well...

Well, Jason just called me. The search team unanimously recommended that RVCC hire us as program director. The elders unanimously recommended that RVCC hire us as program director. holy shit. We are on the cliff. Either way, we have to jump. What meets us at the bottom is now what we have to figure out. Which way: stay here, go there. I can't believe it. Why us? Why now? Is this what we are supposed to be doing? Is this a temptation? Will this be best for our family? Will I be depressed? Will I be happy?

I can't believe this. We applied for shits and giggles... we TOLD them we applied for shits and giggles (well not in those exact words, but...) it isn't so funny now. These people have invested their time, money and prayers into this thing. Don't get me wrong, so have we, but I never EVER expected this to come to this point. Never. We are too much oddballs. too out-there. too revolutionary. too young. How is this possible?

Friday

Hooray for Fridays. I've got two more hours and stacks of work I don't want to do. Logically, the only thing left to do is post here... :)

I was catching up on some blogs that I've been away from recently and I found this on (un)Veilings:

"I'm realizing that life isn't something you wait to live until the kids are grown or even just in school. Life isn't something you put off until your resume is long. It isn't something you hold like your breath, or keep locked in a cage, feeding but once or twice a day.

"It's here. Right now. It's this week, and this spring, this night with all the trees in bloom, and the crickets cricking, this lamp spilling golden light across my lap, my hands, the little scar where I accidentally poked myself with lead in seventh grade. I don't want to fill this glorious life I've been given so full that the glory fades, and it doesn't even matter because I don't have time to notice anyway. I don't want to be so preoccupied with the next ten things I'm trying to accomplish that the one right in front of me gets only half of me."

So much of what she writes resonates with me right now. As I am trying to figure out the next step in my life I am confronted with so many things that I am putting on hold (education, exercise, contemplation, writing, gardening) because I am too busy working, or too tired, or...

As we are trying to figure out how I will combine my roles of mother and worker, I find that I am less willing to put these dreams on hold. I never believed that I would NOT go on to get more advanced degrees, and yet, here I am 3 years removed from college graduation and absolutely no sign that I will be able to pursue that dream anywhere in the near future, ESPECIALLY with a little one on the way. I am afraid that it might be 20 years until I acutally get that garden oasis in our backyard - I never seemed to have the time to work on it because I was too busy with work and church. While much of the church things that I do have lasting value, I can guarantee you that my work is just wasted time. It puts food on the table, clothes on our backs and shelter over our head. And brings more stress into our lives.

At this point, I can't imagine adding a baby to the mix. Something will have to give, and if I get to pick, it will be my job. I'm sure we will figure out a way to make things work, to provide for our needs, and to find enough to give away to those in greater need than us. Despite the surprising nature of this baby, I think she will change our lives for the better.

Hohumdeedum

I'm still at work, processing reports for Mike, and the damn program keeps giving me this error message... curse technology. I have an appointment to see the midwife on Tuesday. Jennifer will be out of the office tomorrow and Friday, so I imagine I'm going to be having a fairly hellacious rest of the week. I slept really well last night though. Hmm, now why is it telling me its going to update 0 rows and then take 15 minutes to do that?!

We have dinner with the Porters tomorrow night, then camping on Friday and Saturday. I'm hoping to be able to catch up on all the lost sleep sometime, but its not looking promising until Memorial Day.

Anyway, no deep or exciting insights today, just normal, blase stuff life is made of. Oh, before I forget, check out our baby blog... I'll try to keep stuff separated, but its a bit difficult as my life and my being pregnant really affect each other. But I will try :)

Back in TX

I don't have a whole lot of time to post, but just wanted to say that we are back in town. It is good to be home, good to not be stared at and evaluated every moment you are with people, good to pet my kitties. Things went very well up north. Everyone was extremely friendly and welcoming, despite the ridiculously cold and rainy weather. Sunday morning went really well. No major snafus, or crash and burns. I also made it mostly through the weekend without dropping any major profanity. There were a few slipups; but, they were small and inconsequential.

I can tell you that we did not recieve a prophetic word from God telling us to stay in TX. In fact, at this moment, moving to Rockford seems to make the most logical sense. I am terribly sad at the thought of leaving my life here behind, but at the same time excited about the new opportunities and friendships that await.

But, for now, the ball is in their court. They will make the decision whether to call us or not. Then we have to say "Yes" or No" and figure out how to make it work, either way. We will probably know, one way or the other, by this weekend. I can't wait to get out of this grey zone of not knowing where we will be in next few months. This feels like purgatory; I am waiting on someone to pray me out.

Growing Up

Well, since the last I posted, my life has changed significantly. I am pregnant!!! We are very excited, but I am scared as well... there are so many things that can go wrong, and that doesn't even count AFTER the baby is born... my daily prayer is that we will be good parents.

I am due January 9, 2007, if all goes well, but I would be fine with being late if that's what the baby wants... later is better as it gives the whole birthday crunch some breathing room. I guess that's what we get for trying to space it out a bit, eh? Well, I think this one is a girl, as we were very careful during the fertile times. I'm very much looking forward to meeting her.

I think she was actually conceived during fight club weekend sometime, so I am sure that she will be feisty, strong and beautiful. Her name will be Annan Alec which means conqueror of the sky. But mostly, just because I like the sound of it.

Well, I'm off to finish getting ready. More updates later.

Ciao.

Love Assessment: The Hannah Version

Hannah's definitely gives up, easily. Any hint of failure or rejection and she is gone. Hannah tries to care more for others than herself, but sometimes she finds that in her focus on others, she is still being selfish. Hannah almost always wants what she doesn't have. She has bought into the idea that envy is the best motivation and is sad that she cannot rejoice in the amazing things she already has been given. Hannah doesn't strut or have a swelled head unless she thinks she has a right, and then she has a hard time listening to other sides and perspectives. She is learning how to dialogue with others and to go at their pace instead of forcing herself on others, but she still tends to if she is not careful. She doesn't fly off the handle, but she does keep score especially when she feels that she is being wronged. She revels in the downfall of her enemies and wishes she could say "I told you so" too many times. She is learning to love those who are difficult and is trying hard to not gloat when things don't go well for them. Hannah loves truth. She loves watching it grow and make beautiful flowers and change the world around it. She wishes she could figure out how to get more of that in her life even though it is often a painful process. Hannah doesn't always trust God, but she is working on that. She knows that God wants the best, but sometimes her heart doesn't understand why she has to go through so much crap. She tries to look for the best in every situation, but often fails to look for the best in others. She can be very cynical about people in her life, but she realizes that this is not good for her heart. Hannah doesn't look back, today and tomorrow are going to be better than anything in the past. She is excited about what is up ahead.

Love Assessment

Part of the fight club homework is to compare our love to I Cor 13: 4-8. In preparation for handling that assignment, here is the text:

Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.

Love doesn't strut,

Doesn't have a swelled head,

Doesn't force itself on others,

Isn't always "me first,"

Doesn't fly off the handle,

Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn't revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back

But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies.

So, how do I measure up? More to come...

Books

I love books. I love reading. I find myself plagued by two completely different, yet equally dismaying facts:
1) I have little time to dedicate to hard-core reading
2) I seem to have a problem finishing books. I start them and am very excited about them, then my mind wanders and I move on to different books.

With that bit of context, there is a list of 100 books/CDs/movies that I have been keeping since the summer of 2005. Anytime I hear an interesting interview, come across a review that interests me, or do my own "related books" search on Amazon, each one of these items has been added for its very own reason. It seems that I have found myself with a raging book-buying addiction. At least, for the moment, I have contented myself with merely adding these books to a list instead of buying them. I would have to read 2 books/week in order to get through this list in a year. I definitely have a problem.

The cure? I think I need to visit my local library. Or at least, Half-Price books so I can be a bit "greener" with my book choices... but buying online is just so easy... *sigh*

So, until I find the time to head over to the library or half-price, I will just be happy adding more to my list.

It gets worse/better

I found out on Thursday that not only do they think they want us up there, we are their first choice. &*#$@!

We are heading up there Mother's Day Weekend. I need to hear God speak. I am afraid that I am not hearing God because I am afraid of what he will say. I am afraid that God has already spoken but I don't want to settle with that answer. I am paralyzed: a yes makes logical sense, but my emotions say no. Please let me hear/see/feel God's heart and that I will not doubt it when it comes.

I don't think I could bear it if we made the wrong choice.

Rain

I have an interesting relationship with rain. When I was a small child, I remember loving it. Whenever it rained in the summer, we would get to go out and play in the rain. In fact, I don't remember playing in the water much unless it was in the rain. As I got older and went to real school, rain began to be a barrier to fun activities like field trips and recess. One of the first field trips that I went on had to be changed because of a torrential downpour. And let me tell you, playing board games in the classroom when you want to run around and play tag just doesn't cut it.

As a teenager, I hated rain because it messed up my carefully done hair and makeup. It's hard to keep that mascara looking good when you are drenched, and it seems that my hair always frizzed up every time it even thought about raining. Then I learned that driving in the rain is not a fun activity either. Not because your own driving skills are impaired, but because everyone ELSE freaks out about there being water on the road. The same thing happens when it thinks about snowing. Not so fun.

When I was a junior in college, I can remember it rained for days on end. This was the same year that the sun came out maybe 2 days for the whole month of February, so we were already aching for some sunshine. I was reading Gabriel Garcia Marquez's book One Hundred Years of Solitude (or more correctly Cien Años de Soledad as I was reading it for a Spanish Lit class) and we came to the flood section. Strangely, it rained and rained, and rained some more, as we were reading this in class. The literature came alive for me in a new way. I was able to feel with the characters the frustration and depression that comes when so much water is falling from the sky. You begin to believe that it will never stop.

I realized yesterday, as I was looking at the cloudy, darkening sky, that I was excited about it raining. In fact, I now check the weather to see when we can expect the next rain. Living in Texas, going through a bad drought, has changed my view of rain. Rain is good. It brings life and cooler weather. It replenishes thirsty streams and ponds. It cleans all the nasty stuff off of the roads, plants and buildings. It often takes away electricity. We have to stop what we are doing, look out the windows and be blown away by the power of nature. We try to hard to insulate ourselves from being affected by nature, but it is most often rain that forces us to recognize that we are NOT all powerful. We are subject to the control of something far greater than we.

Now get back to work.

Zoom out

Sometimes as I am going about my day something happens that I have begun to term "zoom out". This happened to me today as I was on my way to the restroom. I passed a woman in the hallway and it struck me that this woman, just like me, has a life. I realized that she has hopes and dreams, she loves or hates her job, has to deal with high gas prices, and clothing fashions, etc. Jesus loves her too.

I realized that I must spend most of my life walking around thinking that those people who are incidentals in my life are bots. They might look and act like real people, but there's nothing behind the eyes. I wonder when I started seeing people that way? I wonder why?

Most of my awake time I spend so focused in on what is going on in my life and my closest friends and family that I completely forget that everyone else out there - EVERYONE ELSE - goes through their lives with just as much anquish and joy as I do. It is moments like these where God zooms me out, just a bit, where I am able to appreciate the amazing complexity that exists around me. Wow. We live in an amazing place.

Closer to the edge

They called last night. They want to fly us up there to run a weekend service. To meet us in person. We didn't freak them out or push them away with our interview. My crazy hippiness wasn't a turnoff. They think they want us up there.

Our thoughts when we initially applied for this position was that they wouldn't want us. Rodney asked Jason to apply, and we did, but we thought that we were too radical for what they wanted. We LIKE Mosaic. No. We LOVE Mosaic. We have friends here. We worship freely here. We are pushed here. We push here. We have good, fairly secure jobs, with good pay, and decent enough hours and benefits. I LIKE it here. I am at home here. Yes, I complain sometimes about the lack of rain, the heat, the politics. But, that's just something to complain about, its not really a deal breaker.

One year ago, I started listening to WPR in Wisconsin online because I was fantasizing about moving up to Rockford with Rodney and Cyndy. I looked at houses, I drooled over Chicago. I adore the Anderson Gardens, the town is idyllic, but large enough to have interesting things (no creepy small-town Danville stuff at all), and is VERY close to Chicago. I loved it when I visited in October. They have SEASONS!

Where I stand today, I have no idea. Thoughts of leaving upset me and make me cry. But I do not want to limit Jason. Do I think that we will have great experiences up there? Yes. But I don't want to leave this great experience. I have never felt this way about anything before. I was even ready to leave college and start new when the time came. I feel like I have put roots down and am hanging on with my fingers and toes to this texas clay.

Is this a sign then that we aren't supposed to go? Or am I being selfish, upset about leaving a sheltered cove? I was hoping that RVCC would make the no decision for us. That way we wouldn't have to wonder if we were doing the right thing or not. It is becoming more apparent to me that we are going to have to take that decision leap and I'm dragging my feet.

Coming to terms with my addiction

Lent officially ended on Saturday at midnight. And yes, I binged on the net yesterday at work. But, I believe that I am aware that I don't need the net to fit in, or to be in the know, or to communicate with others. I am sad that I found ways to cheat, and hardly felt guilty about it; in fact, I felt very clever because I was "abstaining" but still got my fix. But I will attempt a Lenten fast again, and I will strive to continue to learn how my addictions affect my relationship with god.

And now, back to work...

V for Vendetta

I was asked to speak about this movie tonight for our Mosaic service. The topic is Internal Gyroscopes vs. External Slavery, or some such goodness. Basically, we are called to be motivated by internal things (god) vs external things (life). We naturally get caught up in the external. How do we move from being externally motivated to the internal?

My talk is as follows:

Tonight we are talking about moving from being moved/motivated by the external world around us, to being motivated by internal things. Acting vs. reacting.

In the movie V for Vendetta there is a particularly powerful scene where Evey (played by Natalie Portman) has been captured by the secret police. She is told that she will be sentenced to death by firing squad unless she gives up the name and location of V (the protagonist). Evey is justifiably terrified but says nothing. They take her away, shave off her hair, and proceed to torture her. Over and over again they ask her to give up that information, but she refuses. Sometime during her ordeal, Evey finds hope in a letter, written by a fellow inmate who is near her own death. Each time Evey returns from another session, she finds solace in the last words of another fellow sufferer, words that are full of love - love for life, love for others, love for the persecuted. Evey is asked, one final time, to give up the location of V. She replies with a strong no, gripping the letter of the dead inmate. Her captor tells her she will be taken out behind the chemical sheds and shot. When they come to take her away, they ask her one more time if she will cooperate. She says she would rather die. Her captor says, “You are free to go. You are no longer afraid.” And walks away, leaving the door to her cell wide open. Evey leaves her cell, leery of a trick, and realizes that her captivity was not what it had seemed. She searches herself for the typical reaction: anger, righteous anger, indignity, something. But all she finds is hope and love. Evey emerges into the world a changed woman, her hair and her fears gone, ready to move the world.

What’s the point? I found these same themes of changing our motivators reflected in Richard Foster’s book The Spiritual Disciplines. Foster talks about how it is impossible for humans to deal with our sin through the will alone. He says, “The will has the same deficiency as the law – it can deal only with externals. It is incapable of bringing about the necessary transformation of the inner spirit.” So, we can’t decide on our own that we are going to be motivated by inner things, and then do it; just as Evey was unable to overcome her fears by deciding she was done being afraid. The question is, “if we can’t move our focus from the external to the internal by ourselves, how do we do it?” What is our equivalent of the torture cell?

Foster says that inner righteousness, a transformed inner spirit, can come from God alone; so it would seem that we either get it or we don’t. He continues, “the moment we grasp this breathtaking insight [that only God can transform us], we are in danger of an error in the opposite direction. We are tempted to believe there is nothing we can do. If all human strivings end in moral bankruptcy (and having tried it, we know it is so), and if righteousness is a gracious gift from God (as the Bible clearly states), then is it not logical to conclude that we must wait for God to come and transform us? Strangely enough, the answer is no… God has given us the Disciplines of the spiritual life as a means of receiving his grace. The Disciplines allow us to place ourselves before God so that he can transform us.” The spiritual disciplines are our torture cells – plain and simple. They strip away the false, the shallow, the sinful so that we can connect, one-on-one with god. It might sound a bit harsh, but changing from one who reacts to one who acts is not something you can do overnight or in your sleep. We can’t follow Christ unless we take up our cross, that ancient instrument of torture and death, and follow.

We have two options: be condemned to a dead life of reaction outside of Christ, or submit ourselves to the painful/beautiful disciplines so that we can become people of action. It’s our only hope. The question is: how bad do you want it?

Unblogging

So,

I gave up non-work-related net browsing for lent. The idea was to give myself more time to get my job done, less distraction at lunch so I can finish those books I've started, and to see what it feels like to give up something that I really like doing.

Well, halfway through this experiment and I must say that the results are mixed. On the one hand I feel like I don't have enough time to get everything done. I can't stay caught up on Modis or planning emails, or research that green tip I'm writing for the newsletter. On the other hand, I am so far ahead at work, its amazing what I have time to do. No more crazy scrambling to meet deadlines. I'm calm, organized, and in the know about what I'm doing. This is good.

The worst time for me is about 4:30 after I have finished everything I needed to work on that day, but I still have 30 minutes to kill. What do you do with 30 minutes? Use to be I'd surf my friends' blogs, or post here, or play a short game. Now, I find that I use the extra time to build relationships with my coworkers. A good replacement I think.

25 days down, 21 days left. There is still time for me to come out of this period a more focused, less dependant woman of god.

A letter

Dear K,

I wasn’t going to respond to this email, but it has really been bothering me. I’m hoping that by getting this out in the air we can dialogue about it. My sitting here stewing doesn’t do anyone any good and I don’t want to mess up a relationship before it’s even started.

Before I start, a few things:

1) I have several very touchy subjects that I tend to overreact on. If this is a case of overreaction, I ask for forgiveness from you. I understand that the way that I see things is colored by my past. However, I am upset and I just can’t let it pass.

2) I would like to dialogue about it. I’m not writing this to flame anybody, but I am trying to get my thoughts out in a way that maybe I can work towards something better.

3) I am writing this because I am much better at writing and dialoguing through written words than I am verbally. I feel that I am much too emotional to be able to beneficially talk about this face to face, whereas I am able to take out a lot of the emotion when I write.

4) Finally, I love you. I want to have a deep relationship with you. What I’m about to write is going to be difficult to read. I’m not trying to be mean or hurtful, I’m really not, but I have to get this off my chest. I am sorry.

Ok… deep breath.

“Somebody please tell me about this Play or movie?....The Vagina Monologues.....how crass....isn't anything about our bodies that isn't personal and private in our post modern world....Sorry, old fashioned doesn't seem all that bad to me. I've always been a strong, independent woman, and I have never had to blurt out the sacred parts of my body as some kind of rite of passage?”

When I read this, I was very upset. First, how can you say that anything is crass if you haven’t seen it or even heard about it? Is the word vagina offensive to you? Why? Doesn’t that make you angry? Sacred doesn’t mean secret or unspoken. Sacred doesn’t mean we need to be ashamed of it. Sacred doesn’t mean that we don’t talk about it. Isn’t everything about our bodies sacred? We are made in the image of God, so why do we specify certain parts as sacred and others not?

Let me tell you about my experience with the Vagina Monologues. The first time I went I was a sophomore in college; I went because my roommate was performing that evening and I wanted to be supportive. She was performing a piece called “Because he likes to look at it.” I had heard her practice her piece and had read it and I will tell you that I was incredibly uncomfortable. But roommate etiquette is such that when she has something she’s worked hard on, you go support her; when you work hard on something, she comes to support you. Quid pro quo. So, I went. I went to this collection of monologues and cried and laughed and cried. It was so powerful, so moving, so everything that I had ever wondered or screamed about or hated. I loved it. It was so cathartic to sit in an audience that was primarily women and have brought into the light all the things that I had been told to keep hidden. And, it was beautiful! For the first time in my life, I realized that being a woman was not a curse, not something to be overcome. I too was created in God’s image and every part of me, the parts that I had been taught to loathe and the parts that I was taught to love, every part is beautiful and precious.

But it took going to something called the Vagina Monologues to get me to that point. So, I think you need to go. You need to go because your sisters want to go, and you need to go because you need to hear how other women have dealt/are dealing with their femininity. Yes, we are sexual beings. Yes, we have hang ups. Yes, we are beautiful. Yes, we have to deal with tampons. It is good to address these things because our culture keeps them hidden, covered up, not talked about, shamed. And then, after you have seen it, you are welcome to have an opinion on the performance. I respect that. I understand that the Vagina Monologues aren’t for everyone. But don’t knock something you haven’t seen just because it doesn’t work for you.

Your response to my email:

“Thank you Hannah, for the article and I read several. I can appreciate the organization as I too, have been a victim of such violence....However, I remain convinced that sin is at the root of such violence, as so many other so-called diseases....such as drug addiction and alcoholism.....satan is subtle and would love for us to get our eyes on such organizations and not the real answer...which is Christ. But that answer would not fit into many religions, as we shall see in the end. But, I want to add, that we do as Christians have a responsibility to respond with action to the outcries of our sisters. I think prayer would be the first order of business, in my opinion.....Maybe you and I and the other 10 can somehow make a difference in our own community? Also, my best friend, Nita, is a long time sexually abused woman....I'd love for her to share her testimony to our group if the others agree. Her adopted father was a deacon in the Baptist church, which to me, makes the whole thing somehow worse....if you know what I mean....”

A few things here: I am violently allergic to christianese and churchiness. It makes me sick and I just shut down. I am working on trying to have a less violent reaction to these things, but I am very far away from being mature in that area. I understand that some people are just wired to communicate that way; but when I hear that, I just hear false religiousity and hypocrisy and trump cards. This response, to me, reeks of churchiness. “However, I remain convinced that sin is at the root of such violence, as so many other so-called diseases....such as drug addiction and alcoholism” I’m left wondering what the hell that’s supposed to mean. Since sin is involved does that mean we don’t need to address it? How does Christ help us deal with the overwhelming issue of violence against women? Christ was a person of action. V-day is an organization of action. They are out there DOING something about violence against women; how is that Satan’s trick? I agree with you that we need to be people of action against this violence, but then I’m confused by your next sentence. We need to pray?! Excuse my cynicism, but praying about something doesn’t do anything to address the real hurt, guilt and shame that exist for the victim. Can we 13 make a difference in the community? Absolutely! Does prayer have a hand in it, yes, but that is not the solution. I am reminded of James 2:16 where he says “Good morning, friend! Be clothed in Christ! Be filled with the Holy Spirit!" and walk off without providing so much as a coat or a cup of soup--where does that get you?” I’m not saying that’s what you’re advocating, I’m just saying that’s what I hear when someone says why don’t we pray when confronted with a big ugly issue that needs action.

My heart goes out to your friend Nita. I am heartbroken that she had to deal with such an ugly thing in life. But I fail to see how having her share her “testimony” with our group would be beneficial to anyone, but especially not to her. To me, the worst thing that anyone can say about abuse is that, “well, you can get some good out of it by sharing with others.” There is no redeeming factor about abuse. It is ugly, it is wrong, it is not fair and no amount of “sharing a testimony” will make it better. Period.

–o–

So, this is me vomiting up my old hurts and anger. I am sorry for being so emotionally sensitive. I hope that if I were to do or say or write anything that bothered you, you would let me know as well. We cannot be better if we do not know. I apologize if I have offended, I apologize if I have hurt.

Love,

hannah